Here is my life as short as I can write it and I pray it ministers to all the broken hearts out there and to know there is hope in the name of Jesus. I was brought up with an abusive father who was work related disabled and his pain caused him to become an angry man at times when things did not go his way. It was during those times he would accuse my siblings and me of things we did not do and he would beat us with his belt and tell us we would never amount to anything. This caused my issues with anger and self doubt beginning in my early years. I will add that when we grew up and moved out of the house he mellowed out quite a bit.
My mother and grandparents were my rock of love even though they could not stop the pain of abuse. I went to church as a child so I knew a little bit about Jesus, but was never really into the whole church thing. Church was just a place to go to have some fun with other kids. There are eight kids in my family so I was never alone. Church had fun things to do that we could not do at home.
School was another place of abuse as we were raised on welfare as my dad was disabled and that brought with it much teasing, which is another place that helped build up my anger and taught me how to physically fight back. During my junior year I met a guy who I dated for awhile and he took me to a church. I thought the people were crazy or something, because they were waving their hands around in the air and speaking a funny language, but long story short I did repeat the sinners prayer, as I was told I would go to hell if I did not repent of my sins and ask Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. I spoke the words, but really did not have Jesus in my heart as I only went through the emotions. I soon quit going to church and broke up with that guy. I married another man after graduation and that marriage brought with it a lot of mental abuse. We divorced after eight years and now for the first time in my life I was truly on my own as we had moved away after we got married.
I got into drinking pretty heavy and I went as far as looking for love in the wrong places. If I did not have the money for drinks I would in a sense prostitute myself for drinks thinking that these guys truly like me because they were spending their money on me. I never had that attention before. My wake up call from that was when I got date raped. That opened my eyes real quick to evaluate who I was and what I was turning into. I quit going to the clubs after I met this guy at work and we hit it off so well that we got married three months after dating. Trying to make this
short, it was like he turned into Satan himself after we got married. He was a drug user and an alcoholic who beat me all the time and almost killed me a few times. I didn’t know he was like this before I married him as he hid it well. Physical abuse will go away, but the mental abuse will stay with you forever.
Now this is where God comes into play. I was going to church during that marriage and getting closer to Jesus even though I truly did not know him that well yet, but he knew me, amen. I was so scared my husband was going to kill me. I was a prisoner in my own house. He took me to work and brought me home and God forbid if he saw me talking to any other guy I worked with. I would get beat up when we got home. I wasn’t allowed to have friends or even talk to them on the phone. He was having affairs left and right and would come home afterwards and beat me up because he thought I was also sleeping around, which I never did and come on he watched me like a hawk.
I knew I had to get out of this marriage as I had everything beat out of me. I hated myself and the world and had no self-esteem left at all. I had no money no car no nothing and I truly felt he was going to eventually kill me. I cried out to God and he made a financial way where there was no way. We had opened a checking account in both our names earlier that day and deposited three hundred dollars, (God working here as he would have never put both names on the account). When we got home we got into a huge fight and I told him I was staying home from work because I was to upset to go in so he went to work and I stayed home. God spoke to my heart and told me to call the airlines and see what a ticket cost. You got it, exactly three hundred dollars so I had my sister take me to the bank and I packed up what I could take on a plane and flew home. It hurts the things I had to leave behind, but my life is more important than material things.
Now here I am living with my mother, which would be for ten years, and holding everything inside me because I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems. My mom and I get along great and we had so much fun in those ten years, but I was still hurting and lonely inside. I needed someone to love me for whom I was and not for what they wanted me to be. Again I cried out to God because the thoughts of suicide were persisting so I started going to a church near by, but wasn’t getting any help from the pastor at all. I would try to talk to him, but all he did was pat me on the back and tell me I was a strong person and I could handle my problems myself. I thought if this is what church is I don’t need it, but God had other plans He took me out of that church.
Within my misery God came to me in Spirit and showed me a revival that was in the paper so I decided to go even though it was an hour drive. I liked the music as music was a temporal release and so many people came and talked to me as they were truly glad I came. When the pastor got up to speak I walked away to go to my car to leave because the music was done and I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. What he was talking about I could care less until I heard him say, “you are the head and not the tail”, (Deuteronomy 28) and like a bolt of lightning I was drawn back to hear what he was talking about. I never heard anyone preach to my heart like Jesus was using this man that day. I started going to their church because I wanted so much more of this word he was speaking. It was like I never read the Bible before and those words just leaped off those pages and found their way to my heart.
God started tearing down that wall I had built around me and changed my heart from anger and hate to love and compassion as He healed my broken heart that day. Later on I met another guy at church and we married and God has been blessing this marriage for many years now as God has truly given me a Godly man after His own heart. After getting proper instruction in the word of God through the Holy Spirit directly and He using others to teach me, God called me into His ministry to teach His word first using me in the Prison Ministry reaching out to the inmates for a time and season and then later teaching throughout the whole world via the internet.
Thank you Jesus for always walking beside me keeping me safe through the fires of my life, even though I was not aware of your presence. To God be all the praise and glory for the things you have done for me that has made me who I am today as being a humbled servant as you have showed me your mercy and grace that is abounding.
My mother and grandparents were my rock of love even though they could not stop the pain of abuse. I went to church as a child so I knew a little bit about Jesus, but was never really into the whole church thing. Church was just a place to go to have some fun with other kids. There are eight kids in my family so I was never alone. Church had fun things to do that we could not do at home.
School was another place of abuse as we were raised on welfare as my dad was disabled and that brought with it much teasing, which is another place that helped build up my anger and taught me how to physically fight back. During my junior year I met a guy who I dated for awhile and he took me to a church. I thought the people were crazy or something, because they were waving their hands around in the air and speaking a funny language, but long story short I did repeat the sinners prayer, as I was told I would go to hell if I did not repent of my sins and ask Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. I spoke the words, but really did not have Jesus in my heart as I only went through the emotions. I soon quit going to church and broke up with that guy. I married another man after graduation and that marriage brought with it a lot of mental abuse. We divorced after eight years and now for the first time in my life I was truly on my own as we had moved away after we got married.
I got into drinking pretty heavy and I went as far as looking for love in the wrong places. If I did not have the money for drinks I would in a sense prostitute myself for drinks thinking that these guys truly like me because they were spending their money on me. I never had that attention before. My wake up call from that was when I got date raped. That opened my eyes real quick to evaluate who I was and what I was turning into. I quit going to the clubs after I met this guy at work and we hit it off so well that we got married three months after dating. Trying to make this
short, it was like he turned into Satan himself after we got married. He was a drug user and an alcoholic who beat me all the time and almost killed me a few times. I didn’t know he was like this before I married him as he hid it well. Physical abuse will go away, but the mental abuse will stay with you forever.
Now this is where God comes into play. I was going to church during that marriage and getting closer to Jesus even though I truly did not know him that well yet, but he knew me, amen. I was so scared my husband was going to kill me. I was a prisoner in my own house. He took me to work and brought me home and God forbid if he saw me talking to any other guy I worked with. I would get beat up when we got home. I wasn’t allowed to have friends or even talk to them on the phone. He was having affairs left and right and would come home afterwards and beat me up because he thought I was also sleeping around, which I never did and come on he watched me like a hawk.
I knew I had to get out of this marriage as I had everything beat out of me. I hated myself and the world and had no self-esteem left at all. I had no money no car no nothing and I truly felt he was going to eventually kill me. I cried out to God and he made a financial way where there was no way. We had opened a checking account in both our names earlier that day and deposited three hundred dollars, (God working here as he would have never put both names on the account). When we got home we got into a huge fight and I told him I was staying home from work because I was to upset to go in so he went to work and I stayed home. God spoke to my heart and told me to call the airlines and see what a ticket cost. You got it, exactly three hundred dollars so I had my sister take me to the bank and I packed up what I could take on a plane and flew home. It hurts the things I had to leave behind, but my life is more important than material things.
Now here I am living with my mother, which would be for ten years, and holding everything inside me because I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems. My mom and I get along great and we had so much fun in those ten years, but I was still hurting and lonely inside. I needed someone to love me for whom I was and not for what they wanted me to be. Again I cried out to God because the thoughts of suicide were persisting so I started going to a church near by, but wasn’t getting any help from the pastor at all. I would try to talk to him, but all he did was pat me on the back and tell me I was a strong person and I could handle my problems myself. I thought if this is what church is I don’t need it, but God had other plans He took me out of that church.
Within my misery God came to me in Spirit and showed me a revival that was in the paper so I decided to go even though it was an hour drive. I liked the music as music was a temporal release and so many people came and talked to me as they were truly glad I came. When the pastor got up to speak I walked away to go to my car to leave because the music was done and I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. What he was talking about I could care less until I heard him say, “you are the head and not the tail”, (Deuteronomy 28) and like a bolt of lightning I was drawn back to hear what he was talking about. I never heard anyone preach to my heart like Jesus was using this man that day. I started going to their church because I wanted so much more of this word he was speaking. It was like I never read the Bible before and those words just leaped off those pages and found their way to my heart.
God started tearing down that wall I had built around me and changed my heart from anger and hate to love and compassion as He healed my broken heart that day. Later on I met another guy at church and we married and God has been blessing this marriage for many years now as God has truly given me a Godly man after His own heart. After getting proper instruction in the word of God through the Holy Spirit directly and He using others to teach me, God called me into His ministry to teach His word first using me in the Prison Ministry reaching out to the inmates for a time and season and then later teaching throughout the whole world via the internet.
Thank you Jesus for always walking beside me keeping me safe through the fires of my life, even though I was not aware of your presence. To God be all the praise and glory for the things you have done for me that has made me who I am today as being a humbled servant as you have showed me your mercy and grace that is abounding.
my appreciation of your testimony has grown as God has moved in my own life and changed my outlook. 
not a simple say a prayer and it’ll be ok 
kind of thing. 