PLEASE give me advice!

[Nikki]

My niece is 13. Always been a good kid (so we thought). She's VERY active in church, straight A student and very quiet. The thing is that she keeps EVERYTHING to herself. I kept telling my sis that I thought she had a B/F, but my sis said no. I also told my sis that she needed to keep a closer eye on her because all that child does is IM constantly when she's over here. I also caught her on the phone at almost 1am one night when she was spending the night here.


ANYWAYS, long story short, I downloaded a parent tools that records and saves all IM conversations. I am still SHOCKED at what I've found. She DOES have a boyfriend and he has a filthy mouth. But, so does she. I'm just shocked. It seems so not like her. I also found out that she has been "making out" with him.

Oh, what do I do"?! I don't want to be a snitch. But I also don't want her making bad choices. I guess she sees this guy whenever she's at her friends house. She's constantly spending the night at this friend of hers. My sister said they're a nice family and she knows them well, but either these kids are really sneaky or the parents don't watch them close enough.

Would you tel on her? I thought about just telling my sister that she DOES have a boyfriend and give my sister his name. I know that Chelsea text messages him using my sisters phone at all hours of the night, so I thought about telling my sis to call the phone company and asking if they're able to send her a copy of all the text messages.

UGH. I feel so stuck in the middle. I don't want to deceive my niece, but I also don't want to see her go down a bad path.

:

 

[reznwerks]

13

Welcome to the real world. You are not going to change her behavior now with threats and intimidation. You can try but the end result will push her further out of your reach. The best you can do is sit her down and let her know you know whats been going on and try to instill some responsibility in her behavior.Let her know you don't approve of the behavior but understand it and where it might lead if she is not careful. If you alienate her now she will likely go further in the direction you don't want. Keep a sharp eye on the friends though. If the friends she hangs around with are further down the wrong path than her then its time to steer her in a different direction by forcing an end to the friendship and let her know as much and WHY. If she values the friendships she will be a positive influence in the direction that her friends go.

 

[Nikki]

So, would you tell the childs mother? I called my sis and told her that I had something that I needed to talk to her about. She needs to know that my niece is getting away with this stuff and she needs to tighten the reigns on her. My niece spends just about every weekend with her friend, so that probably needs to stop. Also, they need to stop letting her have control of the cell phone at all hours of the night.

 

[Featherbop]

IMHO, you should tell what you know from the IMs. You don't know what kind of trouble she could be/get in. When a kid begins to keep to themself all the time, and try to be seperate from their family, it usually is not a good sign.

 

[Quath]

That is a tough one. I would lean towards telling her mother and trying to resolve this in a way that does not push her away. (Not give in, but don't go fire and brimstone on her either.)

It is ultimately her life and she will have to reap what she sows. All you can do is to try to teach her to be a good gardener. You can't garden for her or she will never learn.

I think you also have to pick your battles on this. If you go in for her cursing, having a boyfriend, lieing, and making out, she will feel very defensive and will feel rebellious. So I would try to limit it to the lieing and making out. Something like "Your family needs to trust you and know that if you say you are doing something, we can trust you are doing that. We are disappointed in losing that trust, but it can be worked on."

For the making out all you can do is warn that she is young and her body is pushing her in a direction that is not the best for her at this point in time. She needs to understand boys and herself better before she slides down this slippery slope.

Ultimately, it is her life and if you clamp down too hard, she will rebel and may really ruin her life (by moving out to be with a boyfriend or getting married young.) I remember the wildest girls I ever knew when I was young were the preacher's daughter and a girl who had no supervision. The middle ground is the safest.

Quath

 

[reznwerks]

dilemma

So, would you tell the childs mother?.

I might drop a hint to keep an eye on her but I would confront the neice directly and let her know what you know and give her some advice and let her know she can come and talk to you.If everyone springs the info on her at one time this will alienate her more to her friends and more rebellion. At this point I don't see a need to go overboard. From what you've said she might spend a lot of time on the PC and up late talking but she is home. Every kid makes out sooner or later whether you know it or not. It's part of growing up.She needs to know what the limits are. It could be a lot worse.

 

[Nikki]

Re: dilemma

So, would you tell the childs mother?.

I might drop a hint to keep an eye on her but I would confront the neice directly and let her know what you know and give her some advice and let her know she can come and talk to you.If everyone springs the info on her at one time this will alienate her more to her friends and more rebellion. At this point I don't see a need to go overboard. From what you've said she might spend a lot of time on the PC and up late talking but she is home. Every kid makes out sooner or later whether you know it or not. It's part of growing up.She needs to know what the limits are. It could be a lot worse.

The more I think about it, the more I know I should tell my sis. She's headed down the same path as my sister. After we moved to SC from Florida, my mom didn't let my sister run wild, but she DID give her a bit more freedom since my sis was having a hard time adjusting to the move. My sis got in with a bad group. My parents had NO IDEA. Then my sister got pregnant at age 14. She had an abortion. She still to this day regrets the stuff she did. When my parents finally found out what all was going on, they tried to not get onto her TOO much, but they eventually had to tighten the reigns completely and even sent her to a girls home for 2 months to get counseling and get her away from her friends. She was like a new teen when she came back home and thanks my parents for stepping in and putting their foot down.

My niece is acting just like my sis does. She is very secretive, seems to be a good kid, but is doing stuff that she shouldn't be doing.

And a 13 year old has NO BUSINESS dating or having a 17 year old boyfriend. I found out that one of the guys she "dated" was 17.

It just makes me so sad. She has so much going for her. Her goal is to get into Harvard and with the grades she's making now, she can do it easily. She's also very athletic and made the traveling ball team.

 

[Gary]

Hi Nikki

Let me tell it to you from a Christian's perspective.

You have already become involved at a very deep level. You have monitored your niece's IM messages. So you have no other choice now but to address this issue with your sister.

Your sister has the responsibility to bring up her child. All you can do is add some advise. You have already "snitched" on your niece by monitoring her IM.

Now you have to do what is right.

• 1) Set up a private meeting (not over the phone) where you discuss the issue with your sister. Keep to the topic.
  
  2) Have your facts. Leave emotion out. Leave out how you "feel" about the messages.
  
  3) Most important.... act in LOVE. This is NOT about going back to your sister's background/experience or broad issues. Give clear, concise facts as you know them. Please rather let your sister handle the issue with her daughter.
  
  4) You have to explain your motives. I don't know what they are. You have to explain why/how you monitored IM. You must now be prepared to show her the evidence.
  
  5) Then you have to act like a sister to your sister..... offer her all the support she needs. Listen to her and how she will relay the message to your niece.
  
  6) You have already betrayed a level of trust that existed between you and your niece. Monitoring IM without her knowledge breaks that trust. You COULD have warned her that you were installing the software. Secondly, you can/could have laid down a rule about cellphone usage in your house, either before or after finding her on the phone late at night.
  
  7) It is going to be very difficult for you to be seen as anything other than a "snitch" by your niece. However, that is not the point. You have started down a path; you must now make wise choices as you try and help both your sister and your niece.
  
  8) I think it is very important that you deal mainly with your sister... advise her etc. Tell her your motives. Give her the facts. Let her decide what to do with the information. Impress on her that you have your niece's future upmost in your thoughts. Help your sister with thinking the whole issue through.
  
  9) Boundaries have to be set. You do not determine them... your sister has to do that. Listen and advise.

I notice there is no mention of the father of the house. Is he around?

Those are some of my thoughts. You have to be totally honest, open. Be prepared to take insults and being accused of interfering. However, respond in true love for both your niece and sister. In time, they will see and understand your good intentions. PLEASE do not equate your niece's activities to what happened to your sister. They are separate incidents and different people in different circumstances.

Remember, we have the best Father to ask advise from. Pray and ask.

Kind regards
Your brother in Christ's love
Gary

 

[Judy]

Very good advice Gary. :

 

[Nikki]

Well, I feel like a terrible person now. A big old snoop. :

Anyways, I've told my sister SOME. Right now, she is NOT confronting my niece. Once my sis gets her phone bill, she will have all the proof there about how my niece sneaks calls on the phone at all hours of the night, and my sister also found out the boys name that my niece has secretly been seeing. She found a ton of numbers on her call log on her cell phone and looked them up online.

My niece's friend is a BAD influence. My sister has always said that, but never had proof that the kid was a bad influence. After more IM's, the girl is 14, drinks, cusses, etc. She lives right across the street. The guy backtalks my sister all the time and refuses to come over their house. My sister will NOT be letting my niece spend so much time over their house anymore. She said she'll tell my niece to ask the girl to come to their house instead. She's got to find a way to limit the time they spend together.

As for the dad....yes, he's in the pic. I just wanted to tell my sister all this first. She's going to talk to him about some of it. He would probably flip out! He's an overprotective Daddy and would NOT agree with her meeting boys at movies.

I know you all probably think I'm terrible for snooping, but i just KNEW something was going on. My niece doesn't use the computer at their house, so there was no way they could find out all that I did. She does it here and at her friends houses. As for the cell phone use, my sis said that is going to stop and that she'll have plenty to confront my niece with once she gets her bill. She also promised she won't mention my name at all and will only confront her with proof that she can get herself.

 

[Sophistress]

You read her private messages?

 

[Quath]

I heard a report on NPR about new technologies enabling parents to keep a tight reign over their children. One thing was software that tracks chat that your kids use and sends the messages to another computer (such as your work computer). Parents catch their children in situations where they are dealing with someone acting vulgar or crude to their children.

Another technology is GPS on cell phones. They can send the parent a page if the child is in a car going over the speed limit. The parent can log onto some map program and see where their child is and where they are going.

So it brings up a dilemna. By keeping a careful watch on the kids, they do not get to face the realities of life and may not be ready for adulthood. By being too lax, they may make bad life changing choices such as riding with a drunk driver or getting pregnant.

I don't see an easy answer to this. As for Nikki, it sounds like she was monitoring what was going on on her own computer, so I don't really see it as a huge violation of privacy. Maybe the niece will be more careful in chats, but that is the trade off. She becomes more suspicious and will start to hide her activities better. On the other hand, it also gives a chance to help her out.

Quath

 

[destiny]

Well if they've got the brass to talk dirty on my computer under my roof, then i've sure got the brass to moniter what they say without apologies.
You only get "caught" when you've done something wrong.
In truth she owes you the apology for putting you in this position. Handle it as best you can, but you aren't the one who did anything to be ashamed of...they're not adults yet. Reverse psychology is very subtle, guilty people will use it on you to make you think you're the guilty one, it's became quite the politically correct form of blameshifting.... I was good at it. :

 

[Nikki]

I do NOT feel bad about what I did anymore. My sister is NOT confronting her at all over any of it. BUT, she is being more careful abot watching what my niece does and who she talks to. My niece also now has an eariler curfew, can't talk on the phone after 9pm and isn't allowed in the girls house across the street (the one that I found out drinks at age 14).

It's kinda funny because my niece can't figure out why she's got rules all of a sudden. : My sis said she's not throwing too big of a fit though.

I also think she broke up with the boy. Not too sure yet though. I think a lot of how she was talking and things she may have been doing were to make her look big in front of her one friend. She WILL be getting in trouble when my sister gets her cell phone bill though because she made a LOT of text messages.

My sister isn't mad over the whole boyfriend thing. She's upset over the lies. She said she has no problem letting Chelsea go to a movie with a boy, BUT she has to meet the boy first. She also said she'd like the boy to come over. It's just the whole "secretive" thing that's upsetting my sister....hurting her more than making her mad. But, Chelsea COULD be hiding the fact she has a boyfriend because he's older. Who knows....

 

[Blue-Lightning]

Well, there are two things that really strike me here. One is that kids do act a little bit differently over the internet than they do in person, but two is that you did the right thing because we have to be really careful about guiding our kids to be in with the right groups. I'm telling you, I have seen more good kids make bad decisions because of peer pressure and being in with the wrong group. They just don't look down the tunnel like (most) adults do and they also have this big need to fit in with a group... so parents and other adults who care for the kids need to have a watchful eye in steering them towards being a caring, responsible person who's not sidetracked by things that are going to bring them pain and regret.

Great job, Nikki,

BL

 

[Nikki]

Thanks BL

What worries me MOSt about all this is I even have IM's of her talking to strangers in OTHER STATES waning to meet them. SOMETHING terrible could happen! I've talked to my niece and told her that there are all kinds of psychos out there and even told her about the stories of girls getting killed or raped by people on the net. My sister and husband won't let their kids have AIM on their computer, so there was no way they could monitor it.

My sis got her cell phone bill today and said that Chelsea will NEVER use the cell phone on her own again. That boys number shows up numerous times at like 12:30am. My sis is going to ask her WHO's number it is, see if she tells the truth, then she will tell Chelsea that she looked up the number and it showed the boys name (which she DID). I have a feeling that tonight will not be a fun night at their house!

 

[Blue-Lightning]

Yeah, that's a problem if she's wanting to meet people. That needs to stop immediately. I would even check to see if she gave away any home address. That's just dangerous. 99% of the people are harmless and just normal, but there's that 1% out there who are harmful people.

BL

 

[Nikki]

I still can't seem to get rid of the shock of it all. She just doesn't seem like the type that would do this sort of stuff! She's always been so smart, sweet, funny, and had common sense. Right now, she seems to have no common sense at all, but then I look back to when I was a teen and I didn't really either. BUT, I wasn't talking the way she was, secretly meeting boys at movies, or talking on the net.

 

[Ironhide]

After reading all of this crap, it is no wonder the youth of today are out of control. Makes me glad I was raised by my grandparents the Old School way. The parents of today have turned their back on the Old School and now you are seeing the results.