jrunner,
I can relate to what you're going through. Our daughter is in full-fledged adolescence now and we are experiencing the same kind of melt-downs, the same perception that somehow she does more chores than her brother, that somehow life is just way more "unfair" for her than anyone else in the house.
She also lost her birth-family when she was young. I don't care how loving a home we provide for children who lose a birth-parent...the effect is profound and cannot be underestimated. I know lot of her current anger is because, as she gets older, she understands more and more what it meant that her parents didn't love her enough to do what it needed to take to be in her life.
Really, let that sink in. Your son is beginning to understand this about his own father...right at the time of life when all of us deal with the struggles of emerging from childhood into adulthood.
I know a number of kids who are in the position of dealing with the fact that a parent or both parents that they were born to more or less abandoned them to someone else. All of them...ALL OF THEM...have anger issues.
Understanding where the anger is coming from is one thing. It's important...vastly important...but understanding is only part of the picture.
What to do about things that cannot be changed is another part.
He needs to realize that anger about his father is OK. There is nothing inherently evil or wrong about anger, especially anger over the fact that his dad is a bum and a no-show in his life. He also needs to realize that, however OK his anger over all of this is...it's not going to change anything. And, his anger is having a negative impact on the rest of the family, because he is allowing the anger about his dad to come out as bad behavior within his family life.
It could very well be that professional counseling is in order. Our family has benefited from professional counseling with our daughter. While it wasn't "Christian" counseling, the counselor is a Christian and she always worked within the realm of Biblical principles. Mainly, she helped Steve and I understand what Viola was going through and how we, as her parents, could help her.
Whether you seek professional counseling or not, you do need to stick with certain ground rules: You, as the parent, set what the allowance is and what must be done to get it. If he wants more money, he needs to earn it. If he plays football, he must be a strapping young lad...I'm sure Challis has many opportunities for a strong young man...if not in a part-time job at a store or restaurant, perhaps bucking hay, mending fences, mowing lawns...
Our kids get a set allowance a month. This is to help them learn money management. It's not near enough to meet their financial needs. In order to really pay their way via outings with friends, buying gifts, purchasing things wanted but not needed, they need to earn extra money on their own. And we live way, way out in the middle of nowhere. But, each of our kids have figured out what they can do. My son works for his grandfather on our ranch...he bucks hay, mends fences, etc...Our daughter raises calves and goats for sale. She has also earned extra money doing jobs for me in the house...not normal housework or chores, that's just part of family life...but extra things like washing my car for me, cleaning out a shed...
What they can't do is just demand more money. Well....let me rephrase that...if our daughter demands more money...which lately she's been doing and throwing fits when she doesn't get it...it doesn't do any good.
Basically, what I'm getting at is that, as parents, we set what is and isn't going to fly as far as money...they have their set chores, they get paid their set allowance. The chores are expected to be done...no negotiation, no arguments...the allowance is what it is...spend it all, and it's gone. Just like Steve's paycheck.
So, then there's the matter of dealing with the teen fallout: the anger, the outbursts, the fits. For our daughter...she gets "unplugged"...no phone, mp3, computer, tv etc. If she still throws a fit, she gets sent to her room so that we don't have to hear it. She can come out when she can act like the young adult she claims to be.
The time to go over all this stuff is when things are calm and the teen is in a more reasonable frame of mind. Unless your son has an issue such as bi-polar or something, he is most likely to realize that his behavior is out of line and that the consequences are perfectly fair and just. He also should realize that he if he wants more money, he needs to earn it, not throw a temper tantrum.
Adolescence is just a rough time overall...and for kids dealing with abandonment issues, it's even rougher. Let him know that you understand that he's going through a tumultuous time, but that he needs to exercise self-control and not hold the entire house hostage to his own anger and outbursts and that he will face consequences for bad behavior. Then consistently follow through.
As far as the deeper anger issues, if not professional counseling, just cluing in his mentors and encouraging him to talk things over and express how he's feeling...giving him the validation that he did indeed get a raw deal and it does indeed suck...might help.
It might also help to remember that he does have a real dad who does love him and that he isn't the man his birth-dad is...he can be and is a better person.
2