N
Nichole
Guest
Alllrighty. I don't remember how I came to this site...it was only last night at about 1am lol. Anyhow, my name is Nichole, I live in Utah, and I'm 16.
Welllll I suppose I'll share my life story since I have nothing better to do.
I grew up in a somewhat unstable home. My dad drank a lot and he always took out his problems on me and my two brothers by physically abusing us. Sometimes he would disappear for a week and no one knew where he went. One time when I was eight, he wasn't being himself. He was being extremely nice, kind, and loving. His sudden change confused me because he usually didn't show any affection. Before he went to work that day he gave me and my two brothers a hug, and said to my elder brother "I'm going to make your life better," and drove off.
My mom got home, and got a phone call from my dad's work asking why he didn't show up. Later that day we got another phone call from the police. They asked my mom where my little brother was, but he was doing nothing but watching TV in the living room. The police also told my mom that my dad had gotten into a car accident, and told the police that he was trying to kill himself because he had murdered my little brother. After they were informed that this wasn't true, they sent him to a mental hospital in California.
A few days later we got a call from the mental hospital. My dad had used the sheets from his bed to hang himself in the bathroom. It turned out that he was schizophrenic and had hallucinated that he killed my little brother. After that news I was just plain angry at God. You see, I used to go to an LDS (Mormon) church with the neighbors once in a while so I had somewhat of an idea of what God was.
My mom got married to another guy a short while later, and my family started a new life. I went for a couple of years without caring about religion, and in fact detested it. LDS missionaries would always come around once a week, and talk to us. One time while they were talking I was actually interested in what they were saying, I ten then and was able to understand things better. I ended up getting baptized and for about six months was a hardcore Mormon. It didn't seem real though, when people were preaching at church and whatnot it seemed like they didn't care about what they were saying, and that they were rather bored. My friends were always influencing me to cuss and be obnoxious, and I soon fell away from "the path."
I got into middle school, had a bunch of friends, on the honor roll, participated in sports constantly, and everything was going perfectly. I never even thought about praying, never even thought about God. During the summer between seventh and eighth grade, a lot of my friends moved to different schools and states. Being as shy as I was I had a hard time getting new friends to replace them. My grades were still doing great, though, but the same thing happened in the summer between eighth and ninth grade. More friends moved, and soon I pretty much went from being popular to being a loner.
I hated going to school after all my friends were gone, and I'd come up with every excuse not to go whether it was an honest one or not. I'd hope for the bus to crash on the way just so I didn't have to go. My grades went from 3.7+ to 2.0ish. My mom freaked out on me, but I didn't care anymore. All of my dreams of going to college and being successful went to the trash can. I could never fall asleep at night, so I slept every chance I got at school. I never did my homework, and I was failing tests. It scares me when I think back and remember what an angry person I was. I always faught with my step-dad, and if someone bumped me in the hall I'd want to kill them, like seriously just strangle them to death. I even had dreams of me killing people, and never felt guilty about it. I started thinking of suicide, and one night I even held a blade to my wrist. I just sat there, daring myself to do it. Ah man the thoughts that were going through me head were like "do it, or do you not have the guts?" Before I did it I thought about where I might end up, and I knew that I would go to hell. I didn't care though, anything was better than life. I thought about how my mom was when my dad killed himself. She was so miserable, and she'd be the one that would have to clean the blood up off the carpet. I eventually decided against it, but I fantacized about dying every minute of the day and thought about how wonderful it would be if I didn't exist.
I started playing this game on the internet, it's called Starcraft...haha. My brother got me into it ;o. Well in this game they have clans, or groups of people who shared a unique part of their screen name. For example if your clan was named Christian Knights your name would be Nichole[CK]. Anyways, I joined a clan that my brother was in called vck. In that clan I gamed with a girl named Sandy. I always admired how nice she was to everyone, there was something about her that drew me to her. One time we were gaming and she had to leave to go to church, so I asked what religion she was and she said Christian. I was like okay, never heard of that before and didn't think about it after.
I continued to drown myself with constant thoughts of death. A war began in my head that tore me apart. Constantly I would debate with myself if there is a God. I always kept using evolution, and the fact that so many things have gone wrong in my life to not believe, thinking that God wouldn't let these things happen. Since my thoughts were always about death and whether or not there is a God it forced me to meditate on whether or not there was a Heaven or a Hell.
One night at like 4 in the morning I was on that Starcraft game, and this random guy asked me if there was anything wrong. I wasn't acting any different than I usually had, just talking to people about politics and whatnot. He said that he sensed a darkness in me, and I was liek okeh you have issues, I'm fine. He convinced me to go to a private channel, and out of no where he started talking about Jesus. At first I was thinking "oh great, another preacher," but as he was typing it really started to hit me. All of the things he was saying about forgiveness and how wonderful He is, that all I had to do was pray and ask. I prayed for the first time in God knows how long, and cried my eyes out as well. The guy never told me to give my life to Jesus, he just left and wished me well. I never saw him around again.
The next day I shared that experience with Sandy because I knew she was in touch with religion and such. She didn't push anything on me, she only answered my questions. I trusted her quite a bit, gave her my address and she sent me a Bible, the first one I've ever had. Once I got it all I could ever think about doing was reading it. There was just a burning passion to read and know everything, to do the right things, and to be kind. I'd be at school and all I wanted to do was go home and read my Bible since I couldn't bring it with me. I'd stay up all night just reading and reading. It was SO amazing. All the LDS missionaries who used to come to my house never made any sense, and when I'd go to the LDS church what they were saying never truly touched my heart. All of the sudden God was making sense, and all of the sudden I knew who Jesus actually was. It was like I could see, and more clearly than ever.
I tried to share this new found wonderfullness with my mom and my brothers but they rejected me, and my mom even hinted that she thought I had gone insane. This hurt me so much...I want so bad for them to feel the love of Christ, to have their void filled. I'm sure plenty of you know what it's like to have an unsaved loved one...it's poopy. On top of that I live in Utah, so the majority of the people are Mormon. I got a lot of flack from my friends, they always thought I was just another religious, hypocritical fanatic like most of the LDS members. That made me quite sad, but I never thought about dropping my faith because of it.
Aye well that's the basic outline. There are a whole bunch of gaps between all that stuff, but if I wrote it all down I'd have to write a whole darn book lol. I came to Christ in April of 2004, and I pray I will have the strength to carry on with it. If anyone has made it all the way through this then GOOD JOB! Oy my hands are starting to hurt so I better stopblah.
Welllll I suppose I'll share my life story since I have nothing better to do.
I grew up in a somewhat unstable home. My dad drank a lot and he always took out his problems on me and my two brothers by physically abusing us. Sometimes he would disappear for a week and no one knew where he went. One time when I was eight, he wasn't being himself. He was being extremely nice, kind, and loving. His sudden change confused me because he usually didn't show any affection. Before he went to work that day he gave me and my two brothers a hug, and said to my elder brother "I'm going to make your life better," and drove off.
My mom got home, and got a phone call from my dad's work asking why he didn't show up. Later that day we got another phone call from the police. They asked my mom where my little brother was, but he was doing nothing but watching TV in the living room. The police also told my mom that my dad had gotten into a car accident, and told the police that he was trying to kill himself because he had murdered my little brother. After they were informed that this wasn't true, they sent him to a mental hospital in California.
A few days later we got a call from the mental hospital. My dad had used the sheets from his bed to hang himself in the bathroom. It turned out that he was schizophrenic and had hallucinated that he killed my little brother. After that news I was just plain angry at God. You see, I used to go to an LDS (Mormon) church with the neighbors once in a while so I had somewhat of an idea of what God was.
My mom got married to another guy a short while later, and my family started a new life. I went for a couple of years without caring about religion, and in fact detested it. LDS missionaries would always come around once a week, and talk to us. One time while they were talking I was actually interested in what they were saying, I ten then and was able to understand things better. I ended up getting baptized and for about six months was a hardcore Mormon. It didn't seem real though, when people were preaching at church and whatnot it seemed like they didn't care about what they were saying, and that they were rather bored. My friends were always influencing me to cuss and be obnoxious, and I soon fell away from "the path."
I got into middle school, had a bunch of friends, on the honor roll, participated in sports constantly, and everything was going perfectly. I never even thought about praying, never even thought about God. During the summer between seventh and eighth grade, a lot of my friends moved to different schools and states. Being as shy as I was I had a hard time getting new friends to replace them. My grades were still doing great, though, but the same thing happened in the summer between eighth and ninth grade. More friends moved, and soon I pretty much went from being popular to being a loner.
I hated going to school after all my friends were gone, and I'd come up with every excuse not to go whether it was an honest one or not. I'd hope for the bus to crash on the way just so I didn't have to go. My grades went from 3.7+ to 2.0ish. My mom freaked out on me, but I didn't care anymore. All of my dreams of going to college and being successful went to the trash can. I could never fall asleep at night, so I slept every chance I got at school. I never did my homework, and I was failing tests. It scares me when I think back and remember what an angry person I was. I always faught with my step-dad, and if someone bumped me in the hall I'd want to kill them, like seriously just strangle them to death. I even had dreams of me killing people, and never felt guilty about it. I started thinking of suicide, and one night I even held a blade to my wrist. I just sat there, daring myself to do it. Ah man the thoughts that were going through me head were like "do it, or do you not have the guts?" Before I did it I thought about where I might end up, and I knew that I would go to hell. I didn't care though, anything was better than life. I thought about how my mom was when my dad killed himself. She was so miserable, and she'd be the one that would have to clean the blood up off the carpet. I eventually decided against it, but I fantacized about dying every minute of the day and thought about how wonderful it would be if I didn't exist.
I started playing this game on the internet, it's called Starcraft...haha. My brother got me into it ;o. Well in this game they have clans, or groups of people who shared a unique part of their screen name. For example if your clan was named Christian Knights your name would be Nichole[CK]. Anyways, I joined a clan that my brother was in called vck. In that clan I gamed with a girl named Sandy. I always admired how nice she was to everyone, there was something about her that drew me to her. One time we were gaming and she had to leave to go to church, so I asked what religion she was and she said Christian. I was like okay, never heard of that before and didn't think about it after.
I continued to drown myself with constant thoughts of death. A war began in my head that tore me apart. Constantly I would debate with myself if there is a God. I always kept using evolution, and the fact that so many things have gone wrong in my life to not believe, thinking that God wouldn't let these things happen. Since my thoughts were always about death and whether or not there is a God it forced me to meditate on whether or not there was a Heaven or a Hell.
One night at like 4 in the morning I was on that Starcraft game, and this random guy asked me if there was anything wrong. I wasn't acting any different than I usually had, just talking to people about politics and whatnot. He said that he sensed a darkness in me, and I was liek okeh you have issues, I'm fine. He convinced me to go to a private channel, and out of no where he started talking about Jesus. At first I was thinking "oh great, another preacher," but as he was typing it really started to hit me. All of the things he was saying about forgiveness and how wonderful He is, that all I had to do was pray and ask. I prayed for the first time in God knows how long, and cried my eyes out as well. The guy never told me to give my life to Jesus, he just left and wished me well. I never saw him around again.
The next day I shared that experience with Sandy because I knew she was in touch with religion and such. She didn't push anything on me, she only answered my questions. I trusted her quite a bit, gave her my address and she sent me a Bible, the first one I've ever had. Once I got it all I could ever think about doing was reading it. There was just a burning passion to read and know everything, to do the right things, and to be kind. I'd be at school and all I wanted to do was go home and read my Bible since I couldn't bring it with me. I'd stay up all night just reading and reading. It was SO amazing. All the LDS missionaries who used to come to my house never made any sense, and when I'd go to the LDS church what they were saying never truly touched my heart. All of the sudden God was making sense, and all of the sudden I knew who Jesus actually was. It was like I could see, and more clearly than ever.
I tried to share this new found wonderfullness with my mom and my brothers but they rejected me, and my mom even hinted that she thought I had gone insane. This hurt me so much...I want so bad for them to feel the love of Christ, to have their void filled. I'm sure plenty of you know what it's like to have an unsaved loved one...it's poopy. On top of that I live in Utah, so the majority of the people are Mormon. I got a lot of flack from my friends, they always thought I was just another religious, hypocritical fanatic like most of the LDS members. That made me quite sad, but I never thought about dropping my faith because of it.
Aye well that's the basic outline. There are a whole bunch of gaps between all that stuff, but if I wrote it all down I'd have to write a whole darn book lol. I came to Christ in April of 2004, and I pray I will have the strength to carry on with it. If anyone has made it all the way through this then GOOD JOB! Oy my hands are starting to hurt so I better stopblah.
