Is it "adultery"?

[funnygirl]

I love my husband, don't get me wrong. But lately I don't feel "in love" with him. And I find myself missing and thinking about an ex-boyfriend more and more frequently. I was with him for almost 5 years, waited for him to get out of the army with plans to start a life together, and we were very best friends. I miss the special bond we had, a bond that is absent between me and my husband. I miss the romance and friendship, which are also missing. I have to admit that I think the truth is I still love my ex, and always will. But back to the question at hand. Is it adultery in the eyes of God if I'm spending my time thinking about and wanting another man? I have the best husband God could ever give me. He loves me, treats me well, and is an excellent provider, I just don't feel that spark anymore.

 

[Catholic Crusader]

If you are co0nstantly thinking about him, and if sexual thoughts are involved (and here you must be honest), then YES, that is a sin.

Love and marriage are much more than just "feelings" or romantic ideas: Marriage is COMMITMENT: It is a covenant between you and your husband, made in the eyes of God. Do not be deceived by the way the world views marriage. The world views it as merely a "contract" or a partnership that can be disolved when one party feels wronged.

Marriage is a Sacrament - an eternal bond, an exchange of persons. When man and woman are joined, "the two become one." What happens when you divide ONE in half? Do you get two? No, you get a half.

You need to make a commitment to make your marriage work. Marriage is hard work, through good times and bad. You made a choice and you made a commitment, now you need to work at making it work.

 

[heather]

Matthew 5:28 says this:
28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

According to this scripture, yes, it is adultery. It's important for you to spend the time and energy that is put into thinking about the ex, and put that into thinking of how you can make your marriage better. Remember that he is your ex for a reason!

A good book to read is "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie O'Martin. Spend time in prayer asking the Lord to heal your marriage rift and bring you and your husband back together. Also, it's important to realize that sex might be an issue. Men tend to need it to fix a situation while we women need to fix the situation before we can get back to a healthy sex life. I would honestly recommend to you to make a list of the issues you see and then concede your sex life to him first and then work on the problems. Make sure that you are constantly in prayer. Remember that God may change you first, then change him. This book is great for that.

It's possible that communication may be an issue. Do you know what his personality type is? Try "Talk Easy, Listen Hard" by Nancy Sebastian Myer.

I hope all of this helps. Do not forget about that verse from Matthew. If we live by the scripture, this is something that must be repented for and changed.

Let me know if you have any questions!
Heather.

 

[Timf]

He loves me, treats me well, and is an excellent provider, I just don't feel that spark anymore.

Often reasons are left out of the Christian life and things seem to boil down to a list of burdensome rules. One of the more objectionable "rules" of Christianity is the prohibition of pre marital sex. It seems unreasonable and capricious. However, what is often not explained is that when two young people build a marriage based on mutual ignorance and awkwardness, they explore and share an intimacy of discovery and humor that adds a dimension of depth to their relationship that helps it to last a lifetime.

Premarital sex can place a person in a relationship without having the opportunity to build this depth. In addition, a person can speculate wistfully about what might have been with someone else and this imaginary world can then be used to measure against a current spouse and he will always fall short. This can lead to resentment and bitterness.

Satan has used his media resources to propagate numerous lies. One of the most pernicious is that people "fall in love". People feel attraction, people can experience lust, and people can have strong desire. However, 1 Corinthians 13 describes love as a type of selflessness that is intentional and takes time.

If you do not feel a "spark" for your husband, then you need to start to make yourself feel that spark. You may want to pray and ask for help that your thoughts won't be so self-absorbed as to fantasize about someone else. You need to think about what you can build with your husband that is special between the two of you. The path you are playing with is dangerous. It has left many alone, with ruined lives, and chasing illusions.

 

[funnygirl]

Thank you for the caring replies and great scriptures. One thing that I think I confused is that I don't think of my ex in a lustful or sexual manner. It's more like I catch myself constantly daydreaming about our life together. And wishing I could transfer our bond and type of friendship from one man to the other. That's where I get stuck of wheter or not it's adultery. I am trying hard to be a better wife. I got a marriage devotional and a prayer book for wives. I haven't talked to my ex in more than a year so that I don't have that added pressure on myself (we had remained friends as we were friends several years before we started dating.) I know my husband loves me more than anything, and I took our vows very seriously. We added 1 Corithians to our vows and ceremony so that in down times we would be reminded what love is supposed to be, but I guess I'm having a hard time with that now. One thing was mentioned that really struck a chord with me, and that was pre-marital sex. It reminded me that I have a very special and loving bond with my husband because he is the only man I've been with (I know, hard to believe since I was with my ex 4+ years. My own family doesn't believe me.) Eventhough he was married before, we've had tender, loving, bashful, embarrassing moments that I wouldn't trade for the world. Again, thanks for the kind words, and even appropriately stern. I truly appreciate it.

 

[heather]

Thanks for clearing that up. If you don't mind my asking, what is you and your husband's first names, so that I can add you and your situation to my prayer list?

 

[lovely]

funnygirl,

I would say that your offense is still against God, because you are being discontent in you marriage, and engaging in adulterous thoughts by reserving some of your heart from your husband...and lending it to another in fantasy.

Your husband will NOT meet all of your needs. God will, though, if you turn to Him and seek His Truth in the matter. You are focusing on what you feel are shortcomings in your husband, and then comparing this aspect of your marriage to another past relationship altogether. You can't compare reality to fantasy...how? Fantasy is make believe, and the past is not the present. You do not know what life would be like with your ex now, and you are denying that God knows what's best for you. I would even suggest to you that your picture of romance and 'best friends' is not a realistic one. If it were, then your heart would be where it should be, and you would be steadfast in your commitment of love to your husband, even in fantasy, because romance and friendship are not based in emotion, but in the consistently serving, and working hard at your marriage. Love is service and work, and only in this genuine reality can real romance spring forth. God united the two of you, and so it's best, not the make believe idea that you have conjured in your mind. With a healthy dose of Truth, your marriage can only flourish in to God's best. Renew yourself daily in Him, and give your heart and life in service to your husband as your first ministry to our Lord.

Think about this for a second, your husband should not have to live up to your expectations of fulfilling you idea of friendship and romance in a marriage. Are they even correct? Do you even know what you want yourself, what these things look like from God's perspective? I hope he doesn't try, because he would be just trying to please whims, and discontentment, in you...things that shouldn't even be there, and things that just simply aren't going to be pleased. God made you to be his helpmeet, not the other way around. God also desires that you be joyful and thankful in your circumstances. If you are focused on the problems, or what you believe are problems, then you will remain discontent...and you will begin, as you have, to think of others. It begins in a way that seems innocent, but it will grow, and then maybe even turn into action. Find out what God says about marriage, and then apply it yourself...let God change your husband if he needs any changing, but be willing for Him to begin with you.

I would encourage you to pray and ask the Lord to show you how to be a friend to your husband, and to give you a realistic view of what this looks like...I assure you the reality is far better than a fantasy with someone who is not even 'one flesh' with you. God will give you your heart's desire, however it's never a self-serving desire, but rather one of self-less serving....but more fulfilling than you can imagine. Don't try to be a better wife, turn from your sin and turn toward Christ, and He will make you a better wife...He will give you a sustaining love for your husband, and for your ministry as a wife. If HE builds the house, then nothing can destroy it. He can make you pure again, renew your mind, and give you the strength and understanding your require to be a woman of grace who is flourishing in her marriage...I think you will be amazed at how your husband will grow too.

Pray, study God's Scripture written for wives, and start with giving your husband honor. First honor him in your mind, with your thoughts...always being faithful and thankful toward him in your fantasies. Then honor him as the head of your home by respecting him and serving him in reality. In turn, he will come to love you more deeply, show affection because he truly desires to, protect you and lead you, and become a man encouraged and growing in Christ daily...as he is built up by his wife's words and deeds. I can't stress enough pray for your husband, your marriage, and study the Word to wives. Change your focus from fantasy, to reality....get a vision for Godly reality. I hope this helps you, my sister, and I have prayed for you tonight. The Lord bless you.

 

[Timothy]

I find in life that where you focus is where you end up walking. There is a real danger about any kind of daydreaming about something like this. James 1 tells us that it is our own evil desires that drag us away and entice us unto sin. Even if the dreams haven't crossed into sexual it is not the best spot to be in for your marriage now.

I would encourage you to shift the daydreams from your ex to your current husband. This may be difficult at first, I'd be surprised if it wasn't. But there was a reason you married him. Think of all the things that you do love about him. Concentrate on those things. Philippians 4:8 is a wonderful scripture when it comes to taking control of things in your mind.

8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthyâ€â€meditate on these things.

Philippians 4:8

I would suggest taking that scripture and finding things about your husband you love. It may be the first step to reigniting the spark.

 

[Ciara]

The book entitled "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman perhaps can be of help in some way.

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

 

[PrimeRoot]

"adultery" clarified

I have to admit that I think the truth is I still love my ex, and always will.

FG, you are brave for "coming to the light",
please don't hear the response I offer as critical,
since what you do with it is entirely your call.

IF you were not a virgin when you were
"WED" to your present "husband"...

• Ask yourself:
  Is Paul a liar,
  or is 1 Corinthians 6:16 the truth,
  saying that non-virgins are joined,
  just as Adam and Eve were joined,
  and THAT until death,
  (see 1Cor 7:39.)
  
  The corrective action for a
  polygamist woman,
  (with multiple former partners),
  who is in a subsequent sexual relationship
  is to count herself DEAD
  (stoned to death) to
  ALL physical relationships,
  and present herself a LIVING sacrifice
  to serve her children and
  her Master,
  which is her reasonable service:
  
  In the event you have children,
  they deserve both parents, living co-operatively.
  This is ONLY facilatated with one mission "head",
  and your full submission to that mission.
  LESS is certain descruction:
  
  [list:w5czn6q3]So how do you end this physical relationship
  with your "current" husband, and still
  hold it all together in diligent service to his home
  for your kid's sake?
  
  Very tuf call. I suggest you start with
  lactation, and getting busy setting up a day home
  for kids. I have a feeling you arent busy enuf.

If you have no children with your current husband
but you have with some other husband,
that, in my (often sole) opinion, is your priority.

Yes this is broken, yes there is a godly answer:
more adultery is not part of it: you are cut off.
Forgiveness is not permission to continue in sin.
Go and sin no more. Cheerfully.
[/list:u:w5czn6q3]

If you WERE a virgin when you married
your present husband, thank God,
I will now give MY answer your question:

• Sin is quantified in the [breaking of a] Holy Law.
  
  The Holy Spirit is capable of convicting you of higher,
  so to that you should be a MOST attentive student,
  as some have pointed out:
  
  We have affirmation that "adultery of the heart" exists,
  from the mouth of our Master himself,
  but now from the Holy Spirit.
  
  Yes, the absolute statement for all persons living
  is that intercourse quantifies adultery.
  
  However, the warnings
  you are given by the Holy Spirit
  prior to this act are equally verbose
  and final as the written Law:
  (NASB or else stated )
  
  [list:w5czn6q3]
  Exodus 20:17
  You ... shall not covet your neighbor's wife ...
  
  Leviticus 18:20
  You shall not have intercourse with your neighbor's wife...
  
  Leviticus 20:10 (KJV)
  And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife,
  ... the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.

[/list:u:w5czn6q3]
Jesus said,
"Do not think that I came to abolish the Law...".

Cheers sister. Do take care. I really want to meet you ALL some day.

 

[Caroline H]

So...... you advocate that she divorce her current husband to return to her previous one?? How is that right at all?

 

[follower of Christ]

I love my husband, don't get me wrong. But lately I don't feel "in love" with him. And I find myself missing and thinking about an ex-boyfriend more and more frequently. I was with him for almost 5 years, waited for him to get out of the army with plans to start a life together, and we were very best friends. I miss the special bond we had, a bond that is absent between me and my husband. I miss the romance and friendship, which are also missing. I have to admit that I think the truth is I still love my ex, and always will. But back to the question at hand. Is it adultery in the eyes of God if I'm spending my time thinking about and wanting another man? I have the best husband God could ever give me. He loves me, treats me well, and is an excellent provider, I just don't feel that spark anymore.

Simply put, and my guess is that you already know it, it is adultery of the heart...which is still sin.

Love, sister, is a choice. Not a fading emotion.
YOU decide who you love. Who you honor and cherish.
Fickle emotions come and go but the decision to LOVE our spouse can last until we die.

 

[spiritlead]

lets not focus on the sin but why you are thinking about your ex. I live bu the Golden rule do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You would not want you husband thinking about an ex sexually.
you have to not compare them to each other, it is not just about what he can give you. there has to be a reason you married him is there things you used to do that you don't do now. make a date with each other. I agree you should ask God to show you why you keep going back. YOu can not move forward looking in the rear view mirror. it will destroy your marriage.

 

[chelseaeryn]

It is easy to become disenchanted with your partner when the honeymoon veil lifts, it is common to feel like something is missing. I do believe thinking on a previous man extensively and engaging in lustful thoughts about them is adultery. God is a forgiving God and can help you break that cycle of thought though.
I suggest that you and your hubby read the book Love Dare together (or even if you do it on your own.) It is a beautiful book based off of scripture. It is 40 days of learning to love your spouse the way God intended. I am reading it now and love it=)

 

[faithwalkonline]

Yes you are sinning. You need to reconnect with you HUSBAND, its just the devil trying to temp you.
You just need to put the spark back in to your relationship. God put you together for a reason.
:naughty

 

[jeremiahj13]

I cant help but put myself in your husband's shoes, and I would feel hurt if I were him and in his shoes. So I think it's unfair to him

my advice is to try to spend more time with him leisurely. I also say talk to him about it (obviously not ur ex!) but like, mention you wanna feel closer romantically to him

 

[GodspromisesRyes]

I love my husband, don't get me wrong. But lately I don't feel "in love" with him. And I find myself missing and thinking about an ex-boyfriend more and more frequently. I was with him for almost 5 years, waited for him to get out of the army with plans to start a life together, and we were very best friends. I miss the special bond we had, a bond that is absent between me and my husband. I miss the romance and friendship, which are also missing. I have to admit that I think the truth is I still love my ex, and always will. But back to the question at hand. Is it adultery in the eyes of God if I'm spending my time thinking about and wanting another man? I have the best husband God could ever give me. He loves me, treats me well, and is an excellent provider, I just don't feel that spark anymore.

yes it is a sin yes it is adultary. you are as a christian to have the mind of Christ to renew your mind by the word of God and to cast down every imagination that exalts itself above the knowledge of Christ and yes this is about Christ more so than your husband although it is also about your husband.

Let me ask you this, would you lay on your couch and stand up and make a pie and answer the phone and the whole time you are imaginging and fantazing about bowing down in front of a big huge stone owl of molech and putting your baby in its hands to burn it alive to this idol? feeling all warm and tingly about it and missing a time when you could do this more often?


That is what you are doing when you think of this other man willingly. So rpeent, confess, clean your mind of this matter, pray for God to show you if you have any unclean spirits attached to this man so they can be cast out if you do and then begin to pray for your husband and you to be bound together in deeper ways by God.

 

[bolingers]

Ok, for those of us that have been married awhile, we fully understand the "spark" going away. Love, however, is not a feeling. It is an action. He shows you ultimate love if he is a good provider and is wonderful to you. Satan has a GREAT way of keeping us focused in the wrong place. We woulndn't want to follow what he throws our way if it didn't sound good. Even if this wasn't adultery, focusing on the past relationship tends to be a a way of romanticizing the past. You are a different person now. I would encourage you to start really focusing on the positives of the marriage and adding the spark back into the marriage. Some of us have to work harder at that than others. My husband and I have complete opposite ways of communicating and it is a constant choice to work to the other person's strength and communication style rather than our own...but that is a form of love. Letting the relationship grow from the spark is where love really begins.

We will all have our ups and downs and temptations. I applaud you for bringing it to the forum. I know it is hard not to feel beat up when you asked a simple question. Know that you are loved and can move beyond this point.

If you need anything else - please don't hesitate to ask. Your question probably has helped someone else reading.

 

[jmespinosa]

I agree with everyone else that it is a form of lust. Just start praying to God because I believe it's the devil that will come in and try to give you thoughts. Our pastors wife was actually preaching about this last night to capture thoughts that you know are not Godly and send them away. That gives room for the devil to come in and try to take what God has given you. You know your husband is from God and maybe you can go on a date night with him and rekindle the love. Me and my husband did that a couple of months ago and it was so awesome. We just went back home but it was nice to get away for dinner and a movie with out the kids we got 4 and one on the way. It was nice and I enjoyed it. We had been fighting pretty bad for about 2 months before that so it was really nice and now I feel more in love with him more and more everyday. We make an attempt to set aside just for each other. Plus go on date night once a month. We also set aside a time when we just talk if something is bothering us. Instead of holding it in. To us it isn't worth it. So maybe just tell him you need to rekindle your love for each other. What we do is I am planning date night for us I will pick dinner where he would want to go. We would go to a movie that he wants to see. It's all about him and when he plans one for me it's all about me my favorite place to eat and usually a love movie.

 

[JohnEboy1983]

And wishing I could transfer our bond and type of friendship from one man to the other.

That is pretty deep stuff right there, wishing you can transfer your bonds from one man to another. Daydreaming of another man is definitely a form of lust. You have to block these thoughts immediately. The more you think of this, the more you will become unhappy with being with your husband and the more tempted you will become to be with this other man even if you havent seen him in a year. I have realized the more I have thought about something enticing or that sounds good to myself the more prone I am to go after it and get it. You may miss your ex in some ways but your memories may even come back appearing to be more greater than they really were, luring you to think about him more. You have a very special bond to your husband and that is very amazing that he is the only man you have only been with, something you are very blessed to have. I really dont know what type of situational advice to offer, but I do know its hard to avoid certain thoughts and those are what you really need to be avoiding right now. Just keep in mind their will definitely be times when you dont feel in love with your husband and times where you will actually hate him. Its the commitment that brings forth true love for another. I pray the best for you and him and may God show you new things you love so much about your husband.