Marrying fresh out of high school - please read

[Wubby]

Hello everyone, anyone who can relate, I would especially love to hear your thoughts. My boyfriend of almost a 1 year and 7 months & I are planning to get married once I graduate high school. We have had this planned since 2 months of getting together, and the thought of doing so is just as strong, actually, probably stronger than when we first knew the Lord brought us together for a reason. When I said I am still in high school, yep, I am..well right now I am on summer vacation, but I am getting ready to go into my Junior year. My boyfriend is 21, been graduated for a while. He did not go to college because he had no interest, God has blessed him with musical talents, and he is so boldly trusting Jesus that He will lead him into a band (misistry of course) to make our future living, he didnt go to college. He doesnt have a good job right now at all, but he has applied for a better one..but still isnt enough for him to get his own place..I am just wondering...what will it take for us to marry out of highschool financially? I also do not know if I want to attend college, God hasn't layed on my heart whether He wants me to go or not yet, I am still waiting for His will before I make decisions. I know it would certainly help, but following thru with God's will is far more important. My boyfriend and I just desperately want to be married when I get out of school. We struggle sexually and emotionally...it's difficult to not get carried away with our urges, and thoughts, (we have never given in to having actual sex I'd like you all to know, thank the Lord) but that doesnt make our mistakes any more right. We also struggle with being without one another...I am sorry this is so long, but does anyone have any advice about getting married out of highschool, how difficult it could be financially? We do not plan on having kids at the beginning, or at all. We have both never felt it in our hearts to have them. But yeah, sorry this is a novel, thank you whoever actually read this whole thing...advice would be greatly appreciated...God bless..

-wubby

 

[Featherbop]

I'm no expert, but marrying right out of High school will have a high chance of failure to my knowledge. The divorce rate, IIRC, is higher at that age for marriage than around marrying around 25-27 years old. The money problems will probably be very difficult, putting unneccesary strain on both of you, and you said yuo both are not endowed with lots of money. Maturity may or may not be a problem, but make sure that both of you are ready 100%. In my experiance and knmowledge, there are no people out of high school ready to marry and make that big of a life changing decision and commitment. I would suggest waiting until both of you are at least 25 years old before you marry. That will give both of you time to become stable in life a lot more, be more financially ready, be more mature, and also, both of you will have ample time to make sure that both of you should marry eachother. You are taking a big risk marrying right out of high school.

 

[Wubby]

Hello, I appreciate your reply, but it's been our dream to marry right out of highschool, I even feel that it's what God wants. I've prayed about it lots. The "mature-enough" part is definitely covered. We are just going to put everything in God's hands, especially financially. Thank you again for your reply

-wubby

 

[Nikki]

It's hard, but it's possible. I married right out of high school. My entire senior year was spent planning my wedding. I opted out on going on my senior trip with all my friends so I could save for my wedding. I missed out on a lot, but now I know there was really no loss there.

Our first year of marriage was HORRIBLE. We did nothing but argue non-stop. Most was my fault, but not all. Marriage really changes things. We ended up splitting up for 2 months our first year. (I got into a lot of bad stuff....witchcraft for one, so my hubby kicked me out). But, we got back together, I got saved and things have been wonderful since. I got pregnant a few months after we got back together. We now have a 6 and 4 year old!

We will be celebrating out 9 year anniversary this August! :angel:

 

[witchy_womyn]

If you know that you two will get married eventually then why the rush? Wouldn't you like to be financially sound and not have to live with your parents? Wouldn't you like to have a decent education (at least a two-year degree in something) so you could work? Just realize that most teenage marriages end in divorce and Christians who feel they're marrying within the will of God are not exempt from this statistic. Fresh out of high school you are not mentally capable of comprehending the tremendous work and sacrifice that comes with marriage, regardless of how mature you feel you both are. Everyone thinks they're mature enough at that age, when in reality, marriage is extremely difficult whether your 18 or 38 but at least when you're older you are more established in your ways and you know pretty much exactly where you're going.

My point is this, at 17 or 18 you don't really know who you are yet. That takes years. The person your husband or wife is at 28 is certainly not the same person you married at 18. Most young couples find that they are still on the path to self-discovery and they grow apart. Not to mention, at that age, it's like children trying to "play house".

I would urge you to seriously re-consider and at least wait until you're 22, 23 years old. No, that's not the magic age, but you stand a greater chance of staying married than if you get married right out of high school.

Upon reading your original post you mentioned some aspects of the relationship that quite frankly, made me feel uneasy just reading about the situation. Your boyfriend doesn't have a decent paying job, at least decent enough to make ends meet. Right now he is in a position that he's thinking "well, I'm lazy so I won't go to college. I sure hope God will give me a good job in music". You're considering not furthering your education because you feel it's God's will for you to get married in some big hurry and you'd rather do that than go to college. It sounds like a cop-out. Seeking the will of God does not excuse you from doing what's necessary to better yourself. You can't go through life on a wing and a prayer and say "well, God's in control". God isn't going to throw a good job in your lap if you haven't taken the necessary steps to earn such a privilege. God doesn't give hand-outs. You still have to work in order to achieve your goals. It's irresponsible to just hope and pray that it will all work itself out and then do nothing to make it all happen.

I also have a sneaky suspicion you want to get married to prevent yourselves from sinning sexually. That's what really bothers me about these hardcore abstinence until marriage programs. It teaches young people that it's better to get married in a hurry when they aren't mentally and emotionally capable of taking on such a great task as opposed to slipping up and engaging in pre-marital sex. You need to do one of two things.

1) You need to figure out ways to maintain your self-control whether it be having accountability partners or making sure you're not spending excessive amounts of time alone.

2) You need to determine which would be worse. Giving in to your sexual desires or being divorced within five years. Which would be more heartbreaking? Which would have more of an impact on your family and friends?

Your whole post reeks of the fact that you two are emotionally needy and clingy and that you just have to get married to keep each other around and also to give you some magical license to have sex. Wrong reasons to get married. It would be a huge mistake. Mostly for you because he's already a fully legal adult and you're still very young. How do your parents feel about the relationship?

 

[Wubby]

I wasn't really looking for any re-consider advice, but thank you for replying anyway. Anyone else who wants to reply, if you wanna give me reconisder advice, I'd rather not have it. I know we would absolutely not wait until we were into our later twenties. I understand that it will be hard, I am not saying it's going to be a ride off into the sunset. I want a challenge. I want a challenge with my husband. Getting married is far more important to me than an education that I feel I don't need in the first place. It's really bothering me that no one but sillynikki is giving me any advice in a Christ-like way. I am receiving nothing but what everyone thinks on a human stand point. Please, no more of that. The thing I have noticed in the year and 7 months I have been with my boyfriend is that we grow togther, not apart. I understand that people probably think I am naive to say such things, (especially since we havnt even been together 2 years) but I know this will work out. All I was asking for was advice on how to make things a little more simple. I love him more than any other single human being on this earth, and I just want to share that with him in life. We struggle sexually as well, so I would like to not have to feel guilt whenever we make mistakes. Forgive me if I seem snotty. But this is reminding me of when I want to just come to my parents to talk about one thing/ask advice about one thing, but they give me all this useless advice about something else I didn't even ask about. I hope you all understand. Thank you.

† Wubby[/i][/b]

 

[witchy_womyn]

Basically you want everyone to sit back and encourage you to ruin your life? That would be extremely irresponsible and incompassionate on all of our part. The Bible applies to the here and now so whether or not we're giving you advice that you think is Biblical or not is really inconsequential. This isn't the 1700's where you live on the farm with your family and you build your own house, grow your own food, and you have no bills. You don't want an education? Fine, but realize you will be stuck working at a grocery store or a fast food restaurant because in today's society, even receptionist positions typcially require at least a two-year business degree.

 

[Wubby]

I am not trying to be sarcastic, but how much do you trust Jesus?

† Wubby

 

[witchy_womyn]

Well, it really has nothing to do with the subject because how much I trust in Jesus has no bearing on the validity of my advice. My advice is sound, practical, and wise. It comes from experience. But just to satisify your curiosity I believe Jesus was a good man who loved everyone and healed many people. Do I believe a man by the name of Jesus Christ died to take away my sins? No. As my screen name would indicate I am a follower of the Wiccan faith.

So, now that you know where I stand you can make an attempt to discredit my advice simply based upon my beliefs and make a huge mistake, or you can look past the fact that I am a Wiccan and realize that I am almost seven years older than you are, live on my own, have been married (and divorced), and speak from the wisdom that only comes from living in the "real world" and gaining experience and learning valuable life lessons (sometimes the hard way). The choice is yours.

 

[Grace Alone]

I agree with Witchy Womyn, and I am a Christian. I believe it would be most wise to wait for a couple years so that the two of you can find some stability and independance from your parents. That's not to say that if you choose to marry in the near future it will be a horrible experience, but you will be putting a lot more strain on your relationship.

It is wonderful that you are trusting the Lord to provide for you, but please make sure that the two of you honestly discuss your financial situation and how two you will make ends meet. The thought of neither of you having some kind of degree concerns me as good jobs are often hard to come by for those of us who are educated.

I can understand the excitement and the great desire to marry as soon as possible. Please just make sure that you are looking realistically at your situation. It is easy to look through rose colored glasses when you are in love. It is easy to hear your own desires and believe it to be the voice of God. It is easy to disregard the advice of others if it does not match up with what you want to hear.

As I don't know you, it is difficult to give advice as everyone's situations are different, but from what you have said I would be very cautious about taking such a huge step at this time in your life.

 

[SabreWolfSS]

I wasn't really looking for any re-consider advice, but thank you for replying anyway. Anyone else who wants to reply, if you wanna give me reconisder advice, I'd rather not have it. I know we would absolutely not wait until we were into our later twenties. I understand that it will be hard, I am not saying it's going to be a ride off into the sunset. I want a challenge. I want a challenge with my husband. Getting married is far more important to me than an education that I feel I don't need in the first place. It's really bothering me that no one but sillynikki is giving me any advice in a Christ-like way. I am receiving nothing but what everyone thinks on a human stand point. Please, no more of that. The thing I have noticed in the year and 7 months I have been with my boyfriend is that we grow togther, not apart. I understand that people probably think I am naive to say such things, (especially since we havnt even been together 2 years) but I know this will work out. All I was asking for was advice on how to make things a little more simple. I love him more than any other single human being on this earth, and I just want to share that with him in life. We struggle sexually as well, so I would like to not have to feel guilt whenever we make mistakes. Forgive me if I seem snotty. But this is reminding me of when I want to just come to my parents to talk about one thing/ask advice about one thing, but they give me all this useless advice about something else I didn't even ask about. I hope you all understand. Thank you.

† Wubby[/i][/b]

You call yourself mature; what a joke. You are still thinking idealisticly rather then realisticly. What you had better do is get your education and worry about marriage later. Of course you will not do that you have this idea that you are smart. As for useless information, that again shows that you are not grown up. You are a disaster looking for a place to happen. Parents should have disciplined you more.

 

[Grace Alone]

SW, perhaps you could post with a bit more kindness. Just a thought......

 

[Wubby]

You know, forget I even posted this. I'll let God deal with this. All I wanted is people who have been in the same situations. I don't need advice from a Wiccan or from a human standpoint. I feel that I am much more mature than other 16 year olds to be quite frank. It isn't about my parents, or what they did. This is what I genuinely want out of life. If you don't have the experience, please don't reply.

† Wubby

 

[Wubby]

And by the way, why on earth is EVERY single human being on this earth so crazy about going to college? Yes, I am sure it is fine and dandy for some, but it isn't right for everyone. My Biology teacher, and a lot of my family proved that. Neither of my parents went to college, and they own a 3 story house on a lake...3 boats, 2 vehicles. God doesn't want everyone to go. It's sad that everyone thinks college is the answer instead of what God wants.

† Wubby

 

[witchy_womyn]

I don't need advice from a Wiccan or from a human standpoint.

First of all, just because I'm a Wiccan does not mean my advice is any less meaningful or holds less value. I think it's very rude (and immature) of you to discount my advice simply because I am Wiccan. Secondly, if you didn't want human advice perhaps you shouldn't have posted here. Plain nd simple. You asked for advice, you got it. I'm sorry if we didn't all sit around and praise and applaud you for rushing into a marriage.

Now, I told you that I have had the experience. I married right out of high school. I was divorced within a year and a half. Why? Because we were TOO YOUNG. We didn't understand the tremendous sacrifice that comes with a marriage, and neither do you. Not to mention, it's kind of sick that you're only sixteen and your boyfriend is 21. If my young teenage daughter was dating a grown man who didn't have any work ethic or ambition, I would forbid her to see him. I worry about any man who is an adult and is dating a child. It means he can't get women his own age, so he preys upon young girls because they will accept him. I'm sorry but that is the truth. If you were 21 and he was 26, it would be different, but legally you're still a child and he is a full, legal adult. It doesn't matter how mature you think you are. I don't understand what type of advice you thought you would get here. If you don't like it, then why did you even ask? Try opening your Bible and reading the concordance if you want Biblical answers. On here, you will get advice and opinions from regular human beings with various life experiences. The fact that you can't handle or accept that advice shows that you are still very much a child in your mind and it's clear you aren't ready for marriage.

And the reason people stress education is because it is very important. I wish I had gone to college instead of getting married. But I didn't. People warned me against marrying so young, but nooooooo! I thought I was grown up enough to play house and I (like you) did not want to hear anyone's opinion unless it was completely in favor of my decision. I was stupid, I was childish, and in the end, I paid a dear price for my ignorance. Now I'm 23 years old and I have to work thirteen hour days at two thankless jobs because I don't have a college education. You're taking the easy way out and you will constantly struggle financially because of it.

But hey, what do I know? I'm just a Wiccan. :roll:

 

[Wubby]

How dare you say he has no ambition. Just because someone follows their dream means they have no ambition?? It takes lots of balls and faith to do that. And what does age mean? So what if he is 21? When you are with the one, age is meaningless. He is a good person, he makes my life wonderful, and I could never imagine my life without him. And I will admit, yes, it does bother me most of the time when no one agrees with my plans. I feel that everyone in this world is so practical and stuck believing that college and marrying when your 25-30 is the only answer. Maybe it wasn't right for you, but it will be right for someone else? But no one thinks of that. But I have one last question for you Witchy, why are you even on a Christian board?

† Wubby

 

[witchy_womyn]

How dare you say he has no ambition.

How dare you act like my advice is invalid because I'm a Wiccan? Seriously though, I say he has no ambition because you said he didn't go to college but he's musically talented so you're just hoping and praying he'll get a job as a music minister. You also said he doesn't work enough hours or have a good enough job to even pay the bills. I work crap jobs and I make enough to live on my own.

Just because someone follows their dream means they have no ambition??

How is he following his dreams? By praying that God will dump a good job in his lap? Sorry, but most churches (any churches that pay decent salary for a music minister) require a degree in music of some sort.

It takes lots of balls and faith to do that.

If you say so...

And what does age mean? So what if he is 21? When you are with the one, age is meaningless.

Oh you are still such a child. Age ain't just a number, sweetie. Age is an important factor in a relationship. He's an adult dating a child. If you two did have sex, it would be statutory rape. He can't get women his own age so he dates kids. And you don't know he's "the one". There's no way you could know that when you're only a junior in high school. Everyone at your age thinks they're with "the one". Got news for you...you're not in love with him, you're in love with the idea of being in love.

He is a good person, he makes my life wonderful, and I could never imagine my life without him.

Everyone feels that way about their boyfriend/girlfriend in high school. It's all you know so you mistake comfort with love. You confuse stability with being soulamates.

And I will admit, yes, it does bother me most of the time when no one agrees with my plans.

That is because you're still a child. And here you are talking about marriage and you can't even accept opposing opinions. That's called life, it's called living in he real world. Right now your biggest concern is what you're going to wear to school or what you're going to do with your boyfriend come Friday night. Wait until it's time to make grown up decisions and nobody agrees with you.

I feel that everyone in this world is so practical and stuck believing that college and marrying when your 25-30 is the only answer. Maybe it wasn't right for you, but it will be right for someone else? But no one thinks of that.

It's called "we're being smart". We are all adults and we have been living in the real world for quite some time now. We know how hard it is to get by this day and age. Without college and without a solid financial foundation and without being at least old enough to be independent you will not make it in the world. You can't pray that God will magically protect you from reality. You can't ditch your responsibilities and use the will of God as a crutch. You can't go from your parents straight to a husband. You are going to go from being completely taken care of to completely taking care of someone else. How about you learn how to take care of yourself first?

But I have one last question for you Witchy, why are you even on a Christian board?

Because it's open to everyone, perhaps?

 

[Wubby]

You're such a parent. And you don't know about kids today. You think YOU do, but you don't really know us. You think I am not in love with my boyfriend? Nice. The typical relationship in high school these days is only a few weeks to several months...but I guess being with my boyfriend over 1½ years means nothing. It's also way too far fetch to think I have found my soul mate. I think you are just bitter at everyone and what they do, and if it is even remotely like your failed after highschool marriage. Forgive me for my happiness. I'm no longer posting on this board...I havn't felt comfortable in it the whole time. Since I am a child, that makes me what...5?..10?...I'm not a teenager, I am a child. I'm just going to go be under the illusion that I am happy, and that I have found the one, go talk and be falsely happy with my pedophile boyfriend whom I am ever so in-like with, and go ruin my life just like you! Goodbye

† Wubby

 

[Featherbop]

Come back and tell us what happens in a few years. I think we'd all like to know.

 

[witchy_womyn]

You're such a parent.

I'm not trying to be a parent, but if I was your parent you could be rest assured you wouldn't be with this guy. I'm a sensible adult who has been there, done that.

And you don't know about kids today.

Yes I do. I have worked with young people before. I work at my second job with nothing but high schoolers. Kids today are far more lazy and immature than I was when I was in high school. It's because their moms and dads buy them everything they want and they don't know what it takes to work for a living. But I will say this, kids today are alot smarter when it comes to marriage and going to college.

You think I am not in love with my boyfriend? Nice. The typical relationship in high school these days is only a few weeks to several months...but I guess being with my boyfriend over 1½ years means nothing.

Actually, most teenagers I know are in relationships that they've been in since they were thirteen or fourteen years old. By the time I was your age I had been in the relationship with the man whom I married for almost three years. Being in the relationship a year and a half doesn't mean you're meant to be together. You always cling to that first real relationship because it's comfortable. That's not love. That's fear of not knowing what your life would be like without that person.

I think you are just bitter at everyone and what they do, and if it is even remotely like your failed after highschool marriage.

Hardly. Why should I be bitter? That was three years ago when I got divorced. I'm not bitter. I'm smart. I speak from experience. Just because I didn't sugar coat the consequences of being married young doesn't mean I'm bitter.

Forgive me for my happiness.

You owe me no apologies. I'm glad you're happy. If you're so happy and this guy is truly "then one" then he isn't going anywhere if you wait until you're around 22 years old to get married.

I'm no longer posting on this board...I havn't felt comfortable in it the whole time.

That's because nobody told you what you wanted to hear. That's not maturity. That's being a typical kid. You ask for opinions but what you really want is validation and acceptance for your choices, even if they're stupid choices.

I'm just going to go be under the illusion that I am happy, and that I have found the one, go talk and be falsely happy with my pedophile boyfriend whom I am ever so in-like with, and go ruin my life just like you!

Well, do what you like, but don't say we all didn't warn you.

Goodbye

Toodles!