[__ Prayer __] My daughter is being bullied....

[handy]

My daughter started a new school this year. She has a learning disability that has caused her to struggle academically, and last year, due to some illnesses, she got so far behind that she failed completely. We pulled her from school and homeschooled her so that she could catch up and then put her in the school she goes to now.

With good success so far. She's getting solid B's and C's with only one D and that at a 68% that she should be able to pull up to a C before the end of the quarter. So, academically she is doing well.

However...there is a family in this town that tends to think that they run everyone's business. They certainly run the church, and they try to run other things as well. The kids, two boys and a girl, have picked up on this attitude and try to run the other kids as well.

Well, my daughter isn't exactly the kind to be "run"....

Things came to a head yesterday when the eldest of the boys shot his mouth off to the Wiccan boy I mentioned in the another thread. My daughter is friends with this boy, one of the few kids who befriends him, and the other boy told the Wiccan kid in a very loud voice on the bus, "I think it's inappropriate that you're flirting with Viola." She said that this one boy, the eldest constantly picks on the Wiccan kid as well as his younger brother and a cousin of theirs. Viola more or less told the boy where he could get off, my lovely daughter can sometimes be pretty blunt. She was not only upset by the one kid butting his nose in, but also because the Wiccan kid and her were only joking around, not at all flirting. This caused the other boy and girl in the family to start in and the bus driver had to tell everyone to quiet down.

That was yesterday, and I think that things would have blown over. We used to be really good friends with this family when the kids were all much younger, and I think that they could have worked it out, except that the girl, who is in High School as are her brothers, has it in for my daughter, because my daughter is friends with a girl her in town that she doesn't like. These kids do operate on the philosophy that any friend of an enemy is an enemy of theirs as well. Did I mention that this is one of the big "Christian" families here in town? Yeah.

However, all typical school-ground stuff, and nothing that my daughter really couldn't handle herself, as she has been handling these kids for a number of years now.

The only thing is, these kids have have been going to Viola's new school for years and have a number of relations there. I guess you can say that Viola is on their turf.

This morning, one of the girls in the Junior High, who my daughter truly thought was a new and good friend told her, "Why are you such a brat on the bus? I think you need to change your attitude, what do you think? I think you need to go back where you came from, what do you think?"

And, that was the start. By the end of the day, every girl my daughter thought was a friend shut her out, and in the period right after lunch she was given a note and told, "You need to back off, Viola and stop following us." Nobody spoke to her for the rest of the day, but she saw plenty of girls whispering to each other and looking at her while all the whispering was going on.

So, now, at this school, where she is finally making some academic headway, she's been informed that she doesn't have any friends.

One of the girls wrote her a note and told her that it would be "war" if she remained friends with her. I think this girl might have been a friend, but probably is facing too much peer pressure.

Naturally, Viola doesn't want to go there any more. She woke up from a nightmare a little while ago and I just put her back to bed.

I've told her to go to school tomorrow and to just do what she normally does, and if any of her friends freeze her out, to call me and let me know.

I do have the note about it being "war" if the one girl remains friends with Viola, and the note does mention names, as well as the note that was handed to her in 5th period. I've documented everything that my daughter told me, and I will most certainly go to the school principal with it, if there continues to be a problem.

I just ask for prayer for this whole mess. I know it all sounds very juvenile, which considering that we are talking about Junior High, of course it is. But, it's very painful for my daughter as she is very used to being popular and having a lot of friends and a lot of fun. Even when she was failing in school last year, there were never any problems socially with her, she is such a friendly girl that she makes friends very easily.

 

[Mike]

I don't know, Dora. In reading your post, it doesn't sound like "bullying" as much as it does peer pressure. Everyone knows how hard it is in junior high to stick your neck out for others and risk being cast out from the "in crowd". I'm sure I was guilty of it myself sometimes.

But this isn't any less wrong, and I know the feeling of knowing someone is emotionally hurting her from a parents perspective. The littlest thing can set me off. Our 9 year old is behind the curve and requires extra help at school. One day they were reading out loud one by one, and a girl told her she doesn't read very well. She's very sensitive, knowing she struggles. That was small beans compared to what your daughter is going through.

I hope you understand when I say, she is to a small degree, responsible for the conflict with the kid that holds such status at school. If handled perfectly (yeah, right) she would have kindly told them to leave her friend alone. It probably wouldn't have changed the way he turned on her, but at least she would know she took the high ground while doing the right thing.

As far as the "war" note, in reading your post, I took it to me if she stayed friends with her, there would be a divide in groups, and the girl would be set up against the others - in a popularity way, not physical. What he said to her about needing to go back to where she came from was very painful to read, and worse to hear I'm sure. This comes down to some real parenting decisions that need to be made:

• Will talking to his parents make the situation worse for her?
• Could you talk to the principle and ask him to talk to the boys, saying someone else had brought the situation to his attention, or would this make matters worse as well?
• Should you encourage her to face uncomfortable situations on her own in order to build character and prepare herself for "life" where people aren't kind?

Emotional abuse can chip away at a kid, and it can have lasting consequences on their confidence and self esteem. Parenting gets tougher as they get older, doesn't it.

 

[handy]

Thanks for your reply Mike.

I think that men tend to think of bullying as involving the threat of physical conflict. That is probably true with boys. What the girls are doing to my daughter (at least what they did yesterday) is most certainly girl-on-girl bullying, and it is the sort of bullying I suffered in 6th grade which caused me to contemplate suicide at the ripe old age of 12.

Now, my daughter isn't as socially awkward nor as alone as I was in 6th grade. I was sent to new schools all the time, so I didn't have friends. She does, even if she doesn't go to school with them. But, this can turn into a serious situation, if not handled with wisdom right now at the get-go.

Naturally what Viola wants is to go back to her old school where she is quite popular and has many friends. But, she did so poorly academically there, whereas in this school she is doing well. This school is much smaller, allowing for much more one-on-one teacher time. There are only 17 kids in the entire 8th grade. However, that makes it harder to find friends, since with that few kids, they all tend to hang together, or be outcasts.

The ironic thing is, normally my daughter has acted as peacemaker between these 3 kids and others in our little town, especially between the girl and the other two girls here. Go figure, here she has stood up for them many times before, and now they're making life miserable for her.

Your bullet points are exactly the areas I need prayer in right now, on how to move forward with this. I fully understand that the wrong kind of parental involvement can make matters worse.

But at the same time, part of a bully's power, as well as anyone who victimizes kids, is in the whole, "Do or say anything about it and it will be worse for you" leaving the victim with the idea that they just have to suffer the abuse. As one who was both bullied and abused as a kid, I won't fall for that. No way, no how.

But, I do want wisdom in what is best to do in this situation. As of today, she is going to school and just see how things are. Perhaps she'll be able to deal with the girls and things will settle down. This isn't the first time she's had to navigate school-yard politics. She will let me know tonight how things are, and then I'll decide to let it play out further or intervene.

One thing I do know is that calling the parents won't do anything. We used to be very close with this family. We've had them over numerous times, years ago, for bar-b-ques, birthday parties, snow-mobiling, etc. I still like the parents, I truly do. But, they have no control over their kids at all. They wouldn't like what their kids are doing, but there's no way that they have the influence to stop them. They can't/don't stop their kids behaviors at all anymore. Any meaningful intervention will have to be done via the school, not the parents.

Anyway, I dropped the kids off at the bus about an hour ago and they've been in school for about 45 minutes. Please pray that Viola will have good discernment and wisdom as to how to get through her day.

 

[Mike]

I'm glad you pointed out the flaw in my response, because you're right. Emotional bullying is just as bad, and probably worse. This should be fresh in my mind. I'm on our school board, and we just discussed creating a policy that specifically speaks to bullying on Facebook and other social sites. We had an issue at the end of the last school year. I won't say anything more than that it didn't involve physical action or threats, but it did create a mob mentality toward one girl and leave her feeling alienated.

It's amazing when you've known kids and their parents for a long time, and in spite of that history, the kids forget where they came from and start following another path. We've had to disconnect from some old friends because we've grown so far apart in our lives and parenting approaches, we just can't relate to them anymore. It's good to see them in a casual setting, but we don't go any deeper than that anymore.

Dora, I have prayed that the Lord will give her peace today and that she will tell you after school that things were better. I pray that He moves someone to reach out to her (at least one person) to let her know she's not alone. Even if some of them never have a change of heart, I hope she finds some "true" friends who will remain loyal to her and she to them.

 

[rppearso]

Sounds like someone needs a physical beat down (refering to the bullies on the bus), thats what I did in middle school and it worked out pretty well. Of course schools now days are so liberal there are no physical consequences for condesention and your kid would probably be suspended and there would be a yahoo news article about it lol. A good punch in the mouth usually aliviates alot of thoes problems, why do you think nations fight wars because some people cant be reasoned with.

 

[handy]

Thanks Mike, for your prayer!!!!!!!


rppearso, believe me, Momma Bear feels the sentiment. However, there are a number of reasons why a physical response isn't the right response in this situation.

First of all, in regards to my daughter and the other girls, girls tend to be far more effective at harassment and bullying in non-physical ways, so a physical response usually just plays right into their mind games. Boys are far more physical. Last year, my son was being...not really bullied, just targeted for some mean-spirited teasing. Anyway, my son finally told the kid, "Knock it off" and the kid said, "Who's gonna make me" and my son responded by standing up and staring the kid down. It worked, and now the two boys are best of friends. It's just different with girls.

Regarding the two brothers and the Wiccan kid, well, the Wiccan kid is only 14 and of average height and build for that age. The eldest of the two brothers is 18, the other brother is 16, both stand well over 6 feet tall and both are very close, if not over 300 lbs. Physically, they are really imposing, which I'm sure contributes to their idea that they can get away with anything. Plus, their maternal grandfather has a tendancy to brow-beat any teacher, bus driver, or school administrator with threats of lawsuits, calls to the State Board of Education etc. if anyone interferes with the kids, which is at the heart of the behavior.

The main reason why I don't want to see a physical response though is because the bullies, all three kids in this family as well as their cousin, put themselves off as being Christian. This is a horrible testimony to the Wiccan kid. I hope my daughter, her mouth notwithstanding, can stand as his friend and hopefully give a better Christian testimony than what this Wiccan kid is getting.

 

[handy]

Things did go better today. Viola talked with the main girl who started the shutting out process yesterday first thing this morning. Then, during another class she shared with one of the other girls how she hoped she could go back to her old school since she didn't have any friends at this one. This girl might have said something to the others, because they asked her to join them during lunch break, and Viola felt that it went well.

I appreciate the prayers, I think that it really is boiling down to this one girl and the 2 brothers/sister that are on the bus. It sounds as if she is making headway with the other girls. I hope. I'm just keeping everything documented but hopefully Viola will be able to work this out herself.

 

[handy]

Just keeping this updated, I do appreciate the prayers. We've got things zeroed in to the 3 siblings on the bus, and two girls. They did more bullying yesterday, all duly documented.

These 5 kids just seem to be very determined to undercut any attempts of Viola's to make friends. Yesterday, she actually had a good day, except for an incident on the bus in the morning. Then, during the last class, just before school got out for the day, one of the 5 interjected some nasty comments about Viola to some kids she was talking with, then proceeded to gather these kids around after class. Viola heard her name and when she walked over, the one said, "Never mind" and they all clammed up, but Viola said that the other kids, the ones she had just been getting to know, were staring at her as if they had heard something really bad about her.

I'm going to let Viola go through the next week of school, they go Monday through Thursday. If there continue to be incidents, I'll go to the principal on Thursday. If Viola can continue to cut down the incidents herself, great! If not, I'll let the school administration handle it. If the school admins can't stop the problem, we'll have to take her out of the school. I hope it doesn't come to that.

But, please keep her in your prayers...she's having nightmares again, and also stomach problems, something she hasn't had for a long time.

 

[Pard]

I'll pray, but I can't help but give my two cents worth also!

My sister is, for lack of a better term, a social outcast. She can count all her friends on one hand and sometimes she doesn't even need a finger to count them all. She has diabetes and I think it makes it hard for her to have and keep friends because they her mood is always changing and you never know what she is going to be like.

Anyways, the managed to make enemies with this girl who had been to jail once and had been suspended last year for literally pulling a chunk of hair out of a girl's head! Now, as you can imagine, a girl like this has a lot of friends because no one wants to get on her bad side, and no one is smart enough to realize they could band against her. So my sister had almost the entire female population of 7th graders threatening her. She normally walks home from school because we do not live that far away. I decided to take matters into my own hands, because my parents sure were not going to do anything about it (I mean they went to the teachers and the admin., but what are they going to do? These kinds of things require direct action, diplomatic routes do not work with hormonal teenage girls!).

Anyways I showed up in the front of the school to pick my sister up one day. I had the truck with me and the windows down. In true redneck fashion I had the back loaded with friends and we had country music blaring. I had on my best plaid, sleeveless shirt and jeans on. So we pulled up and my best friend and his sister got out and fetched my sister. They gave the mean girls a terrible scowl and put them in their place. My sister got a big smile and one heck of a kick out of the whole deal. We drove off burning rubber and that was that. No girl came around to mess my sister again.

You just got to show force, no need to use it. Roll out the big artillery and smile at the cowering bullies, you know?

I wouldn't get into such a ordeal in your case (and mind you we were actually going somewhere and I figured I'd drop my sister off before we went, I didn't plan on that to work out!). You know that boy who works at your grocery store and you daughter has a crush on? Ask him if he'd be a gentleman and escort your daughter home or at least around the block after school. Make sure the other girls see that your daughter is walking off next to some big old hunk. That's the thing teenager girls go for, you know? Once they figure out your daughter is friends with a "man" they will come around and want to be her best friend. At the same time, it shows that she has some muscle behind her.

See the problem with girls is that you can't just scare them off with sheer force. When my friend was getting bullied we just showed up behind his tormentors and told them to bug off and they never even talked to him again (Keep in mind we are some big guys, full of football defensive guys and wrestlers and military wannabes). You just can't do that with girls, ya'll are ruthless!

But you got to find a non-diplomatic route, because hollering to the teacher doesn't do a lot. Shoot I remember a teacher told me not to hurt such and such and I just waited until school was out... (He had it coming, called the nice girl with the lisp and learning problem a whore, I don't take kindly to people talking about others that way.)

Also, those two boys could stand a good whooping. Remember, behind ever gossiping, trashtalking teenage girl is a boy.

I wish I lived closer to ya, I'd be happy to lend the pick-up to a good cause! We could make a road trip down your ways, got any drive-in theaters near you? That's all we desire!

 

[handy]

Thanks, Pard! I wish you did live closer, not only would I take you up on your offer, you'd probably give our "grocery boy" a run for his money!

Speaking of the grocery boy, my daughter did make the connection that the oldest of the troublemakers is over 18 and our grocery boy is actually more than proficient in martial arts.

Not only that, the grocery boy is also working towards law enforcement, and already has more than a few friends on the Sheriff's Posse, not to mention that the new county Sheriff happens to be his old boss. ;)


hmmmm, if my daughter can't work this out, and the school doesn't get it done...might have something there, Pard!

 

[handy]

Be in prayer for Steve and I tomorrow morning. We are going to the principal first thing in the morning. One of the girls is ramping up the bullying to Facebook now. I've got a whole week of documentation and now the nasty message on FB. It's time to put a stop to this.

Don't know if I want to :bigcry or :boxing...I guess a little of both. Steve tends to be sort of emotional, and I can be as well. We want to be cool, calm and collected and just get the problem solved.

Fortunately, the nasty FB message was sent after my daughter was in bed. If we can get this worked out, she won't have to ever see it. I'm keeping it for now, jic the school needs it.

 

[Mike]

Be in prayer for Steve and I tomorrow morning. We are going to the principal first thing in the morning. One of the girls is ramping up the bullying to Facebook now. I've got a whole week of documentation and now the nasty message on FB. It's time to put a stop to this.

Don't know if I want to :bigcry or :boxing...I guess a little of both. Steve tends to be sort of emotional, and I can be as well. We want to be cool, calm and collected and just get the problem solved.

Fortunately, the nasty FB message was sent after my daughter was in bed. If we can get this worked out, she won't have to ever see it. I'm keeping it for now, jic the school needs it.

I hope you printed out what you read on FB. Our principle encourages printing them out, so there is hard evidence and no one can simply deny it. I'm sending this late, probably after you've left for your meeting with the principle. I have prayed for you and the principle in this meeting and for Viola. I would suggest they have some sort of program on bullying and present it a few times a year at least to all the students. They could use this opportunity to describe different kinds of bullying that some may not recognize as such and how it impacts the person targeted - as well as a statement on the repercussions for being found bullying. I would also ask if the school has a policy in place for bullying on social sites like FB. We do now.

Prayers for everyone, Dora.

 

[handy]

Thanks for the prayers!!!!

Yes, I am keeping full documentation on this, including the FB nasty. I gave copies to the principal, counselor, and superintendent of the school today. They do have anti-bullying processes and took the first step today of bringing the three girls in and basically telling them to knock it off. Viola said that the rest of the day went pretty well. One of the girls on the periphery of this is actually becoming a fairly close friend of Viola's because of it, as they had pulled the same harassment on her last year. Hopefully, we're seeing the beginning of the end of this.

Also, it helped that Viola got a B on a test that she really studied hard for and the "grocery boy" chatted with her for a while this afternoon, always a boost for her. So, she is ending her day in a really happy mood. I think she'll get a good night's sleep tonight.

I sure hope I will. Parenting can be pretty draining at times!

PS, I don't know if they have a specific policy on FB harassment. When I touch basis with the school counselor, I'll ask, and if not, I'm going to strongly suggest they develop one. FB harassment can be pretty bad!

 

[Daughter]

I'm praying. I was a victim of bullying for years. I was beat up and picked on daily. I, too, had stomachaches everyday. If she needs someone to talk too I will talk to her.

The bullying never stopped for me. I hope it does for her.

 

[cyberjosh]

Wow, this topic and all the responses hit home with me too. I was never physically threatened (except once in junior high when a whole crowd of 20+ people amassed around me, due to some made up story about me calling someone a name, backing me into a truck in the parking lot yelling for some guy much bigger than I to smash my head into the truck window... one of my "friends" at least seemed to break that one apart by saying I wasn't worth it) but in high school I was verbally and socially picked on. My favorite was the throwing things at me from behind and then, when I turned around, denying it and then mocking me with "Aww, is that bothering you? Why are you getting angry?". Haha what a bunch of nincompoops!

I could really only speak with the girls that were super nice to almost everyone (and would at least speak to me), good Christian women too, but they were few and far between and I never was really close friends with them. I grew up as an only child and so I really developed an invidualist mentality (I kinda had to to survive mentally) and keep to my own as much as I could. I was a bit of a hermit for a while, but as I went through high school I developed more of a personality. I was a bit precocious for my age and got along with those in high grades better than I did those in my own grade. I sort of took solace in my intellectualism (which I suppose made me a bit prideful sometimes) and my faith. I was delighted when I had the chance to demonstrate the latter openly more & more in my classes when we were given optional projects in my classes. For one of them we had to pick a poster and a song to go with it and I took images from "Passion of the Christ" and picked a deep, heart-cutting song about Jesus' crucifixion to go with it, in my 11th grade English class.

In 12th grade, as a senior, I finally made a good deal of friends (those worth it anyway) who respected me for my faith and my friendliness (I had always been friendly - but no one [it seemed] wanted to return the favor ). I also had another opportunity in 12th Grade english class to do another presentation which I did on the Bible's historical reliability (with archaeological & textual evidence, etc.), and the questions segment was nearly silent when I was finished because they had nothing to say against it. Often though, to avoid still-awkward social gatherings at lunch (I still had my enemies in 12th grade), I would forego lunch and my teacher was nice enough to write me a pass each time to go to the library instead where I could just read in peace. I would skip pep-rallies also when I could (this required sneaking and hiding) so I could rather talk to my science professors about something more "intellectually stimulating". LOL. I was a character... and maybe still am. ;) But I really had to fight for any real respect, and I think it was ultimately my public stand on my faith that brought others over to my side as well. Without that boldness I may have never made any friends. I even made friends with some atheists that sincerely asked me questions about Christianity and respected me for showing sincere interest in what they were asking.

Anyway, I will pray for your daughter. I think alot of us in this thread have been in similar situations, and I know that I have too.

God Bless,

~Josh

 

[handy]

Thanks Daughter and Josh! I know how this does drag things up from the past...I've been surprised more than once at how much pain from my past I have to overcome when helping my kids through things and this episode is one of the worst. I was a terribly shy kid who went to 5 schools in 8 years. Just about the time I would get to know one or two friends, we'd move again. Plus, up until Junior High, I was the biggest girl, with very thick glasses, a natural target for bullies. Then, by high school, I was one of the shortest girls, with even thicker glasses. Boy, you couldn't pay me a million dollars to go back through all that again!

As for Viola, she is still getting some snips from one of the girls, and yesterday two other girls told her that they weren't going to be her friends. But, she's done with that whole crowd anyway. She doesn't want to be their friend anymore. Which means that they are losing the power to be hurtful. The principal had informed us at the meeting that this was the "wrong" crowd. Ya think? I told Viola that perhaps other kids were holding back from befriending her, because, with her being new and being friendly with known troublemakers, they thought she was that type. She went off this morning with a better attitude than I've seen in awhile and plans to ask another new girl to sit by her at lunch.

Meanwhile, her friends from her old school have rallied around her, one of whom knows the "sister" and gave that young lady what for about it. Also, the "grocery boy" (who knows she doesn't like her new school but isn't aware of the situation as far as I know) has continued to be a more mature friend in her life, which has helped more than anything. It's amazing how mom and dad can talk until we're blue in the face and it doesn't make a dent, yet a 20 year old good looking guy can say, "Yeah, school can be a drag, but it doesn't last forever" and she's all better. ;)

We're still praying daily that God will lead her to a good friend. Hopefully, things will continue to settle down and she can start to fit in.

 

[Mike]

And the high school years are called "the best years of your life". :

I agree! I'd NEVER go back!

College was fun and a much better experience, though I would conduct myself in a much more edifying way if I had it to do over again. :ohwell

 

[Pard]

High school was supposed to be the best years of my life?

Maybe for the pot heads is was... But man I would have had a better time having my nails pulled out.

Glad to hear that she is doing better, Dora. Bullies can be such a bother. The best part is that in another 4 years those girls will look back and feel like complete idiots for what they did.

I remember that in 10th grade there was this one girl who would not stop pocking fun at me during gym. Now she is in one of my classes in college and she isn't more than 3 inches from me at any given time.

If I was you I'd chalk it up as hormones and make sure your daughter gets that so she can better forgive those girls when they come around to wanting to befriend her. Wish someone had told me that because I had such a problem befriending some kids who were not so nice to me (Won't say bullied, because the last kid who bullied me got a broken nose).

 

[cyberjosh]

Actually, for me, going to a Community College was the best time of my life, as I just so happen to have recently posted about here. It was a relief to be in a different atmosphere than high school, and I made the friends I wanted and was treated like an adult and I really had a lot of fun.