Cheyenne K
Member
I posted this a while ago, but it was deleted by the new layout:
I’ve waited a while to post this and I think now is a good time as any. I came from a Christian family, but a very ungodly lifestyle and hope that through this, some of God’s Glory is revealed. To give a full understanding of where I came from, I have to start with my initial sin at the very beginning. It may not seem like much, but led me into many other things. Some of this I admit being ashamed to post, though it would not be a full testimony without it.
In fifth grade, I was very pro-gay and into the pro-homosexuality movement. I was ten and it was certainly a young age, but it was how my more sinful life began. My beliefs at this time carried over for many years and into sixth grade. Sixth grade was significant for me because with it came many things that led me further into sin. In the beginning, things were fine. As the year progressed however, I was bullied and this led me to depression, self-loathing, and, by Christmas, self-mutilation. I thought that the self-mutilation provided a release for all of the pent-up emotion I felt. I could release the angst, anger, hate, violence, sadness, and emotional pain through a physical wound so that my physical pain would outweigh my emotional pains. Yet, this did truly little. I still felt all of these things, plus the added anxiety that I was brought while trying to conceal my wounds. I also took my grief out on my parents and fought with them at least three times a week. I later revealed to them I had been self-mutilating before summer vacation began. The entire vacation was terrible. I fought constantly with my parents and even tried to run away at one point. I only came back after realizing I was doing it stupidly. For a period of time, I was even suicidal.
The following year in seventh grade, I did not fight nearly as much with my parents. However, I still cut on occasion. This year, I began experimenting quite largely with other religions. At this time, I was still supporting the pro-gay movement, which played a large role in why I started shying more and more away from God. I didn’t like the fact that neither God nor the bible agreed with my personal beliefs and started searching for other “paths.†This led me into other religions and the occult. My occult fascination began with finding out what “therians†and “otherkin†were. Therians are basically people who believe their spirit is part or wholly animal. Otherkin are people who believe their spirit is part or wholly something fantastical. Think elves, dragons, dryads, etc. I thought for some time that I was one of these people and toyed with metaphysics as well. I had even had a phantom shift, which is when one feels limbs of an animal or non-human creature. Whether or not this was my mind or something of the devil, I still don’t know. I looked into various practices of different Pagan religions and soon became more of an eclectic Pagan than a Christian. I practiced many rituals and things that no Christian would even think of. I still called myself “Christian†and still believed in “God,†but God had become an idol of my own creation. It was a deity who accepted all sexualities as good, was “falsely†depicted in the Bible, made mistakes, allowed reincarnation, and was fine with magic and the occult. It was also a God I learned to be ashamed of among non-Christians, for I was of a religion to be ashamed of among them.
Back then, I acted in an ungodly manner among my peers as well. I thought one of my friends to be a sanguine vampire and suggested such to her. After she took the idea into consideration, I told her that if she ever wanted to find out for herself, I would be more than happy to cut myself and give her the blood. Furthermore, I stated that if she found herself to be a sanguine vampire, I would happily be her “donor.†This same friend, I also suggested Satanism to. Thank the Lord, she never took me up on any of this! Other friends, I displayed what I knew and thought of metaphysics and energy manipulation and the like.
During this time, I also experimented with my sexuality. I was introduced into zoosexuality with my supposed being a therian/otherkin and dealt with that for quite some time. I further dove into sexual immorality with self-gratification and the like.
There were several things that brought me out of this. One being the ashamed factor getting to me. I was involved with an online forum at the time and there wasn’t a day I went without hearing hatred toward Christians. Though I most obviously was not one, I still considered myself a Christian. The daily hate took its toll on me and eventually I started posting less and less on the forums, as I was simply tired of having my religion referred to negatively. The other was youth group. A man attended my Church at one time. He was not the best Christian and did many questionable things at our Church. But I do accredit him with a turning point.
I had been going to youth group under a recommendation and wishes of my grandfather. This man happened to be teaching it and he said something that struck me. I cannot remember the quote exactly, but it was along the lines of, “Many people will say, ‘I cannot believe in a God that does this,’ or ‘I will not believe in this God because,’ and who are they? Who are they to tell God how He should be?†It was that point I realized that this was exactly what I was doing. I had made an idol to suite myself because I did not like how God was naturally. In fact, I hated such. And who was I, really, to tell God how He should be?
After this, I stopped going on the occult forums completely. Mentally, I assented to God’s Will. I accepted the Bible as complete Truth and that everything in it describing God’s character was correct. I no longer accepted occult practices or unnatural sexualities to be moral. However, this was all in my mind. I was able to accept Jesus into my mind, but not my heart. Also, I continued with my struggle against sin during this time. Sexual immorality was still heavily in my life and had become my addiction. I also still cut myself. Two years after it initially began, I continued to struggle in my sin.
Gradually, this sin led me to a low point in my life. I knew that I my heart I was not saved, though I hoped otherwise. Between this knowledge and my various immorality, depression set hold of me. I had felt suicidal before, but suddenly the urge was much stronger. I had almost complete apathy for my life and was just tired of living. My ungodly self, my lies, my sins, the world, expectations, my severe anxiety; everything. The only thing that held me back was the thought of my parents and their reactions. Killing myself was not something I could do to them or the rest of my family. But it did not change my attitude.
This made me realize how much I really did need to be saved. For a month straight, I prayed for salvation. One particular night, I went to bed with one last prayer. I prayed sounding like someone who was drunk and asked God to relieve my sexual sin and for Him to allow the Holy Spirit into my heart. As I went under the covers, I suddenly felt this warmth and happiness. I felt tears behind my eyelids and this joy I only had felt in rare bursts before. The next day, I woke up and found my sexuality to have been gone and replaced with disgust and with a new love for God in me.
Since then, God has been working through me, though I am yet a babe in Christ and I hope to be baptized soon.
I’ve waited a while to post this and I think now is a good time as any. I came from a Christian family, but a very ungodly lifestyle and hope that through this, some of God’s Glory is revealed. To give a full understanding of where I came from, I have to start with my initial sin at the very beginning. It may not seem like much, but led me into many other things. Some of this I admit being ashamed to post, though it would not be a full testimony without it.
In fifth grade, I was very pro-gay and into the pro-homosexuality movement. I was ten and it was certainly a young age, but it was how my more sinful life began. My beliefs at this time carried over for many years and into sixth grade. Sixth grade was significant for me because with it came many things that led me further into sin. In the beginning, things were fine. As the year progressed however, I was bullied and this led me to depression, self-loathing, and, by Christmas, self-mutilation. I thought that the self-mutilation provided a release for all of the pent-up emotion I felt. I could release the angst, anger, hate, violence, sadness, and emotional pain through a physical wound so that my physical pain would outweigh my emotional pains. Yet, this did truly little. I still felt all of these things, plus the added anxiety that I was brought while trying to conceal my wounds. I also took my grief out on my parents and fought with them at least three times a week. I later revealed to them I had been self-mutilating before summer vacation began. The entire vacation was terrible. I fought constantly with my parents and even tried to run away at one point. I only came back after realizing I was doing it stupidly. For a period of time, I was even suicidal.
The following year in seventh grade, I did not fight nearly as much with my parents. However, I still cut on occasion. This year, I began experimenting quite largely with other religions. At this time, I was still supporting the pro-gay movement, which played a large role in why I started shying more and more away from God. I didn’t like the fact that neither God nor the bible agreed with my personal beliefs and started searching for other “paths.†This led me into other religions and the occult. My occult fascination began with finding out what “therians†and “otherkin†were. Therians are basically people who believe their spirit is part or wholly animal. Otherkin are people who believe their spirit is part or wholly something fantastical. Think elves, dragons, dryads, etc. I thought for some time that I was one of these people and toyed with metaphysics as well. I had even had a phantom shift, which is when one feels limbs of an animal or non-human creature. Whether or not this was my mind or something of the devil, I still don’t know. I looked into various practices of different Pagan religions and soon became more of an eclectic Pagan than a Christian. I practiced many rituals and things that no Christian would even think of. I still called myself “Christian†and still believed in “God,†but God had become an idol of my own creation. It was a deity who accepted all sexualities as good, was “falsely†depicted in the Bible, made mistakes, allowed reincarnation, and was fine with magic and the occult. It was also a God I learned to be ashamed of among non-Christians, for I was of a religion to be ashamed of among them.
Back then, I acted in an ungodly manner among my peers as well. I thought one of my friends to be a sanguine vampire and suggested such to her. After she took the idea into consideration, I told her that if she ever wanted to find out for herself, I would be more than happy to cut myself and give her the blood. Furthermore, I stated that if she found herself to be a sanguine vampire, I would happily be her “donor.†This same friend, I also suggested Satanism to. Thank the Lord, she never took me up on any of this! Other friends, I displayed what I knew and thought of metaphysics and energy manipulation and the like.
During this time, I also experimented with my sexuality. I was introduced into zoosexuality with my supposed being a therian/otherkin and dealt with that for quite some time. I further dove into sexual immorality with self-gratification and the like.
There were several things that brought me out of this. One being the ashamed factor getting to me. I was involved with an online forum at the time and there wasn’t a day I went without hearing hatred toward Christians. Though I most obviously was not one, I still considered myself a Christian. The daily hate took its toll on me and eventually I started posting less and less on the forums, as I was simply tired of having my religion referred to negatively. The other was youth group. A man attended my Church at one time. He was not the best Christian and did many questionable things at our Church. But I do accredit him with a turning point.
I had been going to youth group under a recommendation and wishes of my grandfather. This man happened to be teaching it and he said something that struck me. I cannot remember the quote exactly, but it was along the lines of, “Many people will say, ‘I cannot believe in a God that does this,’ or ‘I will not believe in this God because,’ and who are they? Who are they to tell God how He should be?†It was that point I realized that this was exactly what I was doing. I had made an idol to suite myself because I did not like how God was naturally. In fact, I hated such. And who was I, really, to tell God how He should be?
After this, I stopped going on the occult forums completely. Mentally, I assented to God’s Will. I accepted the Bible as complete Truth and that everything in it describing God’s character was correct. I no longer accepted occult practices or unnatural sexualities to be moral. However, this was all in my mind. I was able to accept Jesus into my mind, but not my heart. Also, I continued with my struggle against sin during this time. Sexual immorality was still heavily in my life and had become my addiction. I also still cut myself. Two years after it initially began, I continued to struggle in my sin.
Gradually, this sin led me to a low point in my life. I knew that I my heart I was not saved, though I hoped otherwise. Between this knowledge and my various immorality, depression set hold of me. I had felt suicidal before, but suddenly the urge was much stronger. I had almost complete apathy for my life and was just tired of living. My ungodly self, my lies, my sins, the world, expectations, my severe anxiety; everything. The only thing that held me back was the thought of my parents and their reactions. Killing myself was not something I could do to them or the rest of my family. But it did not change my attitude.
This made me realize how much I really did need to be saved. For a month straight, I prayed for salvation. One particular night, I went to bed with one last prayer. I prayed sounding like someone who was drunk and asked God to relieve my sexual sin and for Him to allow the Holy Spirit into my heart. As I went under the covers, I suddenly felt this warmth and happiness. I felt tears behind my eyelids and this joy I only had felt in rare bursts before. The next day, I woke up and found my sexuality to have been gone and replaced with disgust and with a new love for God in me.
Since then, God has been working through me, though I am yet a babe in Christ and I hope to be baptized soon.