Humor Thread

[JoToP]

Does 123CHRISTIAN have an appropriate place for tasteful, yet hilarious humor? That's more up my ally. I like the serious discussions pretty much, but I find that most people are pretty well set in their ways if for no other reason than that their church "has a good youth program". :lilangel: F'r instance, those who believe that the "end is near" probably have a stake in the rapture, so they may not appreciate hearing that they may have to live out there WHOLE LIFE in this world. :o

 

[smokey the dog]

2 sea monsters...

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for
something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling
potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped
it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling
potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on board.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again
capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those
ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I
start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

 

[baylok]

A friend was looking through a box of old stuff at his parent's house and came across a very unique pocket watch. It turned out to be his grandfather's watch, and he wanted to see whether he could get it repaired.

He went to a few jewelers, but nobody wanted to attempt to fix the ornate watch.; He finally found a place that would fix it, but the jeweler gave my friend a warning.

It turns out that the watch was made at the turn of the century by a company known as Tate Clockworks. At the time, the jeweler continued, they made the best timepieces - very elegant, very precise, and reasonably priced. The model my buddy had found was one of their later models. When the watch was opened, the bottom portion was the watch, and the top portion served as a compass. Someone at the company decided to use the inside of the cover to house the compass.

It was a great design, and sold well, except the compass never worked well. There were problems with the mechanical parts interfering with the compass, and the joke of the time was that if wanted to go from NY city to Boston using a Tate watch, you would end up in DC.

The company poured more and more money into making the compass and watch work together, but the overall quality went down, the compass still was not accurate, the timepiece portion lost its accuracy, and the watches were becoming heavy (and expensive). Finally, around 1910, the company went out of business.

My buddy was a little dumbfounded by the story, and thought the jeweler was pulling his leg.

And the jeweler looked him in the eye and said "Didn't you ever wonder where the phrase 'He who has a Tate's is lost' came from?"

 

[Judy]

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" :o

 

[Et3rnal]

Top 10 Ways You Know You’re In A Bad Church

10. The church bus has gun racks.
9 . The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
7. There’s an ATM in the lobby.
6. The choir wears leather robes.
5. Worship services are BYOS - "Bring your own snake."
4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
3. Karaoke Worship Time
2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or non-smoking?"
1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."...

 

[Et3rnal]

CHURCH NEVERS

6. Never ask an usher to break a $20.
5. Never do a cannonball in the baptismal tank.
4. Never hold a church business meeting on Super Bowl Sunday.
3. Never tell the pastor, "We love your church and we might even come back next Easter."
2. During youth group activities, never bungee jump off the church steeple or play chicken with the church buses.
1. After a soloist of impressive size sings "Love Lifted Me," don’t follow with the hymn "It Took a Miracle."

 

[God's Child]

Yesterday I gave a speech for English on how to get rid of telemarketers. It was really funny, and I thought I would share my top 16 list with you. Everyone really liked it. They laughed at almost everything I said. I got a 97 on it. The highest grade in the class!!!

Top 16 Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

1. Start singing Row Row Row Your Boat……., if they don't interrupt say, "This is a recording, and if you hang up I'll press redial, and start all over again." Or say, "You are the only person who hasn't fallen asleep yet, so I'll sing it again for you. If they interrupt, angrily say, "Excuse me, but I'm trying to sing here!" Sing slower and louder until they hang up.

2. Pretend you are a telemarketer too. Give a long lecture on your produce and make it really dumb. Talk until they interrupt you. Then say "Excuse me, I'm not done wasting your time explaining my stupid, useless product yet."

3. Say, "Can you speak real slow so I can write down every word you say?" As they start talking say "slower"… "Slower"… "Slower"… "Slower" -- After a while say "Can you hold while I go to the bathroom? The gas station is only a few miles down the road so I shouldn't be too long."

4. Tell them to talk quieter because so and so is sleeping. "Quieter"… "Quieter" - Do this until they are talking at a soft whisper. Then scream, "I can't hear you, you're too quiet!"

5. After they give you their name, ask them how to spell that. Do this for basically everything they say.

6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up. After they start talking say "louder"… "Louder"…"louder"…

7. Ask dumb questions about their product over and over.

8. Turn on the TV and put it on a channel that only gets static. Turn up the volume really loud and say that you can't hear them over the static.

9. Say "no" over and over while they speak until they hang up.

10. After they tell you about their product, yell, "You want me to pay money for that?!!"

11. When they call during dinner tell them it is dinnertime, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

12. Keep saying, "Can you hear me now? … Good" until they hang up.

13. Keep crackers near the phone and eat them when telemarketers call. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with your mouth full. Then pretend you are choking.

14. While they're explaining their product say "why" after every sentence they speak.

15. Press random buttons on the phone as if you are bleeping out words. "You *beep,* stop *beep* calling me. You're a *beep* *beep*."

16. Say, "Sorry you have the wrong number."

 

[Judy]

Female President?

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Billy"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right its question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the bell go 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?"

 

[Jack Lewis]

True story.

One January while I was at Southwestern Baptist Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas, as Super Bowl Sunday was approaching. Deciding to have some fun, test the sense of humor of some people, and make a point all at the same time, I made a sign that read, "This TV reserved, Sunday Jan ## from 3pm until 9pm for video tape series, 'Priorities in Christian Ministry'" (the ## is the actual date. I can't remember what is was) and hung it beneath the dorm TV. The first comments were some laughs, then someone who inteded to watch the Super Bowl saw it, said, "I don't think so!" and stomped out looking for the Dorm Director. Remember this was a Seminary. These were guys training to be pastors, evangelists, ministers, etc.

The Dorm Director liked a joke as much as anyone else, but he was inundated with angry students demanding that the TV be kept free that Sunday. The sign lasted about 12 hours before another angry student tore it down.

Sadly enough, that Sunday the TV room was filled with cheering Super Bowl fans, not one of which got the joke.

 

[Judy]

Marriage Communication

Marriage Communication

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife
listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

 

[Blue-Lightning]

Adding to the list of things to tell a telemarketer:

If they are offering a cleaning product, say the following:

Oh, you don't know how great it is that you just called right then, oh what a miracle! I'm here at a friend's house... yeah, a friend's house, that's right and um... well, I was wondering if your product maybe cleans blood??? It does? Oh good, that is so great. But, um... let's say that there was a lot of blood. You know, like on the drapes... would it get rid of that too? That's good! Um... because the dog cut itself and there's a lot of blood. Like buckets of blood. How much would I need to order to clean a whole lot of blood off of like drapes and carpet... and um... maybe splatters on the ceiling? Will it clean blood off the ceiling?

At this point there should not be a telemarketer on the other end. You may receive a knock at the door later by a friendly neighborhood policeman or woman. Kindly explain to them that you were just curious. Show them the house too.

BL

 

[Judy]

:o

 

[Judy]

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."

 

[Judy]

Sad announcement

Forgive me friends, but it is with a heavy heart
that
I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of
the entertainment
community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast
infection and
complications
from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their
respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California
Raisins, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess
Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was
piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly
described Doughboy as a
man
who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his
later life was filled
with
turnovers. He was not considered a very smart
cookie, wasting much of
his
dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, the
still, as a crusty old
man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough;
two children, John Dough
and
Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is
also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20
minutes.

 

[Judy]

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

 

[Judy]

Window Washer

There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was
covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do
you do for a living?"

He said, "I'm a former window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."

 

[Judy]

Computer Joke

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

 

[God's Child]

wow!! those are some good jokes
:

For the Computer one I'll admit that I'm guilty of 6 out of 13 of them. :o

 

[Judy]

50 Years of Marriage

When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00 He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.

 

[Judy]

The End is Near

Farmers Fred and Luke were fishing on the side of the road. They made a sign saying "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that passed didn't appreciate the sign and shouted, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash.

Fred grinned at Luke. "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says: 'Bridge Out' instead?"